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Do You Really Devalue Me Just Because I Am A SAHM?

Let me first start off by saying I am not trying to start a war between moms. I happen to see value in every person in the world. I do not judge you by color, who you are or are not married to, the type of job you or your husband may have, where you live or don't live, what kind of car you drive, where your children go to school, or what kind (if any) of education you have. I personally try my best to treat people the way that I would like to also be treated. Like a person.

Lately I have been reading a few articles and not only have they gotten me upset but also confused. The women writing these articles are telling women to not be Stay-at-home-moms at all and that if they do their children will resent them for it. Because you won't have the money to allow them to do all the stuff that they would like to do. Is this really true? Do children resent their parents because they say no to them? I am a child of a SAHM. I have already gone through the bummed out feeling in not getting to do everything that I wanted. However, there was a lot that I did get to do. And as I grew up, I gained understanding that in the real world even adults don't get everythng that they want. My children are going through the same situations now. Even though my two younger sons don't always get it, my other two children do. Because as they grow I take the time in teaching and showing them how the world works with regards to wages, prices of food and clothing...etc. My goal would be that all my children understand decisions of money and how we (their parents) prioritize where that money goes.

The articles go on to say that if I am not earning a pay check then I am devalued as a mom by society and that the day to day things that I do won't really matter in the end. (Seriously?!) That word devalue really makes my knuckle white. They go on to say that I should have skills in getting a job so that if things like divorce, disabiliy, or getting laid off happens to my husband, I then have to take over the responsiblilty of earning the wages. Now as I have posted earlier, my husband has MS. So I know and have known that some day I may have to go to "work." But I also thought that people were supposed to prepare for "what if" all the while enjoying the life they have. Not preparing with dread and doom. Personally, I'm for getting as much education as you would like to or need to have. We raise our children that everyone should learn something new each and every day of their lives. Whether you learn from school or social life. Learning is good. I am not here to tell anyone what they should or should not do in their lives. Because we have all been given the blessing of choice. I also know that there are moms who choose to work rather than stay at home. I don't think less of them because of their choice. And yes, I am also aware that some moms are put in situations that make it so that they have to work. I support them because they are moms. I am in the understanding that a mom is an extremely important "job." No matter what! I would not dare tell someone that society devaules them just because have to work; no I say good for you being able to do for your family.

I guess it is the wording of things like (have to, society, skills, devalue) that have me all over the place. Normally, I would care less of what people thought of me. But I feel that I am a representation of my family also. So isn't what society thinks of me also the same of what they think of my family? Because I don't have a wage paying job, is my family looked at negatively for it? Should I tell my daughter that her husband might leave her and that she should never stop working outside the house? Or that her husband might lose his job or get disabled and she might have to support the family before she says her "I dos?" I don't think marriage would look that great to her if I were to do those things. I have however told her that she can become anything she would like to be. And that her father and I would help and support her if and when needed. I want my daughter to be proud of the choices she makes. I want her to be her own woman. I don't want her growing up and in her heart not really liking men because of the "what if's." So I am asking you SOCIETY, am I really useless in the world just because I am a SAHM? Let me and others know your feeling on this.

Tags: Devalue

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Permalink Reply by Nan on July 21, 2010 at 6:50am

I've been a single mum, a working mum, a stay at home mum.

You know what mums do -- we do what we have to do to make sure our kids and our families are provided for.

Yea, my kids have to do without some things because i don't have a job outside the home, but you know what -- it's just *stuff* .

I agree with what has been said in the comments -- don't read these articles. You know what is best for you and your family, not some stuffed up old biddy.

And next time you start questioning your worth, have a look at this. The Worth of a Stay at Home Mom

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Permalink Reply by Janet Callahan on July 22, 2010 at 9:12pm

I think there are people out there who will find a way to put *women* down, no matter what choice we make - there's no way to please them. For the most part, I ignore posts and articles like that, because they don't help with the tough decisions I'm already making.

Granted, my biggest reason for working right now is health insurance for my medically fragile former preemie, but my husband and I made a conscious decision that when our little guy is bigger and healthy, we want him to be able to have piano lessons or karate lessons or to play t-ball, and we want paying for it not to be a point of stress.

FWIW, I *did* resent my parents for not having money for things. I absolutely understood that money was tight and that basics came first, but I also saw choices that were made that were beyond the basics that benefitted adults rather than children, and that in our family, it was obvious that us kids did *not* come first.

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Permalink Reply by Tiffany Noth on July 23, 2010 at 7:10am

I have worked outside the home and am now a SAHM. Being a SAHM is what works best in our family... and I love it, though I was nervous at first. I had worked from the age of 15 and not "working" was flat out odd to me! My new role as SAHM has me on duty 24/7 and this is what is best for me!

Every family needs to decide what is best for their situation and let everyone else do the same.

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Permalink Reply by Marla on July 23, 2010 at 9:48pm

Thank you for throwing such a good topic. I wrote a post in response to your topic and linked back to your blog at mommylicious.net. In my opinion, being a SAHM or not is a personal choice and should be based on what makes you and your family happy. No one is better than the other.

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Permalink Reply by Sa on July 24, 2010 at 1:04am

I think it's wrong to judge a mother either way, whether she chose to stay home with her kids or whether she chose to go back to work. Its' all about whatever keeps you sane as a mother. It's not about what society thinks. I stayed at home with my four children, and honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I would have gone back to work. Does this mean I think women who stay at home are wrong? No. It's just that saying at home made ME feel useless...and bored...and stir-crazy...

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Permalink Reply by Sa on July 24, 2010 at 1:07am

I totally agree with you Nina...and I think it's terrific that you've adopted two more children to add to your life! Very inspiring!

Nina Newton said:

Hi Tonya - this conversation has been going on for a VERY long time! And there is still no answer that works for every woman. Please just remember, that no matter what anyone else says or does, this is YOUR choice to do what YOU feel is best for YOUR family. There is an old saying that goes, "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world," but not every woman wants to make their contribution to the world in that particular way. Those of us who do . . . . well, it is what it is.

I was a SAHM when I was raising my older children, and because of all of the nonsense being thrown around in my world at the time, I decided to return to college when they were all in school. Partly because there really was this notion that women who stayed at home to raise their children only did so because they were too stupid to do anything else. So, I decided to see if that was true.

Well, after three college degrees, I finally proved to myself that I was capable of doing whatever I needed to do . . . . but that I was also free to do whatever was right for me. Now we are raising our two beautiful younger daughters, adopted from China, and working from home, hopefully putting all that college experience to good use, which allows me to be here with my girls when they come home from school, field trips, dr. and dentist appointments without having a meltdown . . . . and also use a portion of my energy and education to help my family financially. This is such a personal choice, that we shouldn't let anyone convince that we are not the most valuable presence in our children's life. No matter what else we do. Keep up the good work, whatever you decide!

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Permalink Reply by Karine Traverse on July 25, 2010 at 2:19pm

I have been a WOHM and now a SAHM and hoping to eventually become a WAHM. In my opinion it is what works for you and your family, not what everyone else says. I get heat from family and friends all the time for my decisions (cloth diapering, nursing on demand, baby wearing, eventually homeschooling, amongst several other things) and I just shrug them off as I do with articles such as this. I want to be home with my children and my husband wants me here with them as well and this is the right decision for us as a family. Do we have everything we want? No. Do we struggle at times? Yes. Do we have everything we need? Of course. I feel whatever decision a woman and/or family decides is theirs and theirs alone. Do we get looked down on and talked about? All the time, but I just walk away or nicely say this is what we want to do, you can do as you please. It is our right as humans, as women to use this amazing gift of free will.

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Permalink Reply by Alisha Hughes on July 30, 2010 at 1:51am

Sweet, Tonya, do what is right for you and stand by that. You are fabulous no matter what you choose to do. No one can determine your worth for you, and the truth is, you owe "them" nothing anyway so it doesn't matter what others determine is right or wrong for you . I always wanted my mom to stop working growing up so she could be home when we got home from school. I loved her so much and wanted to be around her more. She always used the "we can't afford it" excuse, which I think was truly legitimate in our case. I am a stay at home mom with three kids under the age of 4 and it is ridiculously hard some days, but I am very happy I get to do it. I never wonder if my kids appreciate it. I know they do. They would rather have me home playing with them then to have a million toys and me gone at work. You know what is right for your family. You are the mom. While others may discourage you from time to time, no one can take that from you. Be empowered today. You are the mom and you are doing exactly what you need to be doing for your family today. KUDOS to you.