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I am living a life that was against my upbringing path. I am the 'other child" to a single mother. I didn't meet my father until the summer I turned 8yrs old, where he had the perfect Partridge Family already. I din't have a father present to tell me he loved me, to make me feel like his love was enough. He never has told me I was/am pretty or I can't remember the last time he said "I Love You".
The Hubs is the polar opposite of what I thought I was worthy of. He allows me to stay home with our kids, and wouldn't mind if I ate Bon Bons all day, but I don't. We live on a budget and almost have no debt. I have 5 girls and he is a very active dad. We have worked as a team to where we are a well oiled machine..most days.
I have PPD and I have no insurance. I'm wondering is it just the crazy talking or is this normal? I'm miserable most days. I often entertain the thought of running away...but my van eats up so much gas, i wouldn't make it an hour away. Is there anyone who questions their happiness though they may have a good appearance?
I think everyone feels this way at one time or another. No matter how great things look from the outside ~ or even how great things usually are .... there are those moments, those days, those weeks where we just feel so overwhelmed we want to escape. It happens to Everyone ~ to me OFTEN. I have a hubby that adores me - children that are more often than not well behaved, mostly ..... some days it's just me ~ getting overwhelmed for no aparent reason. But, other days I have no tolerance for their attitudes & (In my view at the moment) lack of responsibility & respect for each other & me. Either way ~ I'm in control of only myself. I can choose how I respond. Sometimes it is better to walk away, take a breath & spoil yourself ~ I can now after MANY YEARS ~ take a bath without having someone in there with me! This is my FIRST Escape. Secondly, I go for a pedicure TWICE a MONTH :D This is my SECOND & more severe Escape. I LOVE both and need both and choose both regularly :D
Please check out my New York Times article at http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/15/growing-up-with-a-fat-dad/
In my article I talk all about my upbringing and how it has shaped me to be who I am today. Every girl knows their relationship with their father helps make them who they are today. Feel free to share your story too!
I know that it took God to heal me of many of my hurts from childhood - abusive, unstable mother, divorced parents, parents too busy to notice I was suffering...
I also know that things are still a work in progress. I did walk out the door the other day. I am tired and I just needed a break for a minute. But I came back - God spoke lovingly and gently to me and told me to turn around and head back and that He would continue to be there for me. And He has... but it isn't always perfect or easy.
God has done more for me than any psychologist or medication ever did. My ADHD is so much better than it was and I don't appear to have the minor OCD issues I once had. Depression is nearly a thing of the past.
It also helps to be in a church where you are allowed to fall apart and people are there to pick you up and help you.
My dad was largely absent, too. I was with one man who was the harsh side of my father, one that was completely passive, and now I'm with a woman who is a great mix of loving and firm. We keep each other sane. :)
With both of my children, I had massive PPD. I'm not sure what your OBGYN is like, but mine had wonderful nurses I could call who would talk me off of that ledge. I too wanted to run away from home, every day. I would bawl at music during the 3am feedings even though I had wonderfully supportive men at home.
Yep, I felt like I was insane. It's that mix of hormones and being overwhelmed. I can't even imagine having five. *hugs* Hang in there. There are state programs, state insurance... go there, see what you can do about getting that kind of insurance or see one of their docs, they often work on a sliding scale and absolutely work with you to give you the help you need.
You may have tried that and may have income that is too high for state programs, but there is help out there for dealing with PPD. Have you looked for support groups in the area or moms who you can talk to?
Just throwing out suggestions. It's been a long time since I've gone through it. If you ever need to vent, feel free to PM me.
If you know you can qualify for State help, do NOT feel ashamed. It's there, you've paid tax dollars to support it, and you can do it. It took me a long time to ask for help like that, but I realized the minute I walked in how many people like us there are.
Please check out my story in the times Well blog