** I don't fit into an elementary school desk quite like I did back in the day.

** "Pocket Frogs" for the iPhone has totally possessed my kids.

** Dark chocolate has totally possessed me.

** Charlie Sheen finally…

** Farting on me is apparently highly entertaining.

** My daughter is on a mission for me to go out and "buy" a baby.

** It's all fun and games till a slobbery dog toy lands in your salad.

** If I end up passed out in a gutter at 3 a.m. this weekend, Charlie Sheen would categorize that as "winning".

** I need to…

Why do kids insist on FREAKING the eff out any time you call them out for acting like a complete jackass?  It's like they know darn well that what they're doing is sooooo completely inappropriate and wrong, yet they refuse to hear you actually say that it's inappropriate and wrong.  My son just so happens to be the absolute king of this.

I swear the kid…

** Somebody really needs to start handing out happy pills, dammit!

** My kids think my boobs make better pillows than Daddy's.

** Dressing room mirrors are as cruel as Joan Rivers on the red carpet.

** I wouldn't sit on the toilet in the kids' bathroom even if you double-dog dared…