The nurse directed me back to a small room in the ER where Dr. B, my psychiatrist, was waiting.

I flashed a nervous smile, pulled my sleeves over the self-inflicted cuts on my arm and said, “I’m not doing good.”

He motioned to the chair and I sat.

“I think we need to change our plans Kim. I’m going to put you on a mood stabilizer and an…

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Reaching out my weary hand from the darkness that enveloped me was the most difficult part on my road to recovery from postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.

But it was necessary.

I couldn’t start my fight without asking for help, for leaning upon the tremendous support of my husband, family, friends and my awesome psychiatrist.

It didn’t mean that I was a failure.

It didn’t mean that I was a bad Mom.

It didn’t mean that I was weak.

It meant…

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It’s another night where sleep dances in a ridiculed fashion before my heavy eyes. I’m so exhausted yet the pain keeps me quite alert and ever so conscious of each electrifying nerve screaming through my right leg.  And then there are the terrifying thoughts that flood and weaken my soul. I try so hard to fight them.

But with only a few hours of sleep at a time, those thoughts sometimes seem quite logical.

That’s when they worry me the most.

Which is why, I’m sitting…

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You may not remember the scary night when the cops and paramedics came to take Momma to the hospital and I hope that you never do.

But I?

I will always remember.

I will remember your tiny fingers brushing the hair off my face.

I will remember your big brown eyes full of worry and concern.

I will remember you telling Daddy that “Momma is sad”.

I will remember the scared crack in your voice when you begged “Momma be happy”.

I will remember you…

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With life just begun, my sleeping new sonhas eyes that roll back in his head.They flutter and dart, he slows down his heartand pictures a world past his bed.It's hard to believe as I watch you breathe,your mind drifts and weaves.When you dream...* Barenaked Ladies - When You Dream

 

I came across this picture as I was sorting through my nightstand…

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It lurkes in the thick shadows casted by the wall that happiness and recovery had built.



Pacing back and forth, back and forth.



It runs it’s sly fingers along the seemingly sturdy bricks, tracing the lines in the mortar, smirking at the walls unwary construction.



And It waits…



…and waits for moments when the unsuspecting mind is the most vulnerable.



…and for moments when the soul is too weary and conflicted amongst chaotic life events.



It…

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I pulled the blankets up over my shoulders and tucked them tightly under my chin. I stared out the window watching the few sparse patches of uncovered earth disappear under a light dusting of snow. Everything looked the same as the hard edges of objects blended into a colour pallet of grays and whites. It lacked liveliness; an almost numbness that seeped through my picture window and into my soul.



My vacant stare was broken by the small voice in the corner.



"Momma!… Continue

When the fog dissipated, I slipped comfortably back into my shoes and I felt present. A sense of calmness soon waved through my soul and my thoughts became still. It was within this peaceful quiet of my mind that I became acutely aware of my surroundings. It’s like the world around me had been painted like a new beautiful portrait; waiting for me to rediscover it all.

For when you live in the fog of postpartum depression you don’t notice…

How bright colourful lights…

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I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was in the very early morning hours and I had just lulled my colicky Chunky to sleep after crying for a insurmountable period of time. I looked upon this tiny bundle with regret and I felt so guilty for feeling that way. I cried as I held him tightly, knowing that there was something wrong with me. I just didn't know what.

I can remember making my way to the computer room, with him still in my arms. I cried as I typed the words "Postpartum…

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The alarm pierced through an 8 hours of solid sleep and had rattled them both awake. Her husband jumped quickly out of bed to get ready for work, while she

sunk in deeper into the warmth of the blankets.



She laid awake and listened to the commotion stirring in the next room. She could hear his feet hit the floor with a loud thud, then turning into a fast scamper.

It was barely 6:30 am and there he was, at the foot of her bed with the most happiest bright smile and not a… Continue

On Friday evening, I waited impatiently for my husband to come home from work. It was another one of “those” days and I needed to be rescued. Not that Chunky was being a pain, it was because I was sinking in my own shoes. When he walked in he kissed me lightly on the forehead and asked me how my day was. I rolled my eyes at him as if he should have automatically have known how crappy it was. The following conversation took place.



Husband: Sounds like you need a drink. Do you want me…

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It reached out from nothing, pulling at my shirttails like a needy toddler starved for attention.



I thought it was gone



I resisted the heaviness it created around me as the familiarity of the sights and smells threatened an upheaval of deeply buried emotions.



because I was doing so good.



I tried to evade its persistent pecking by veiling it with a smile.



I was afraid that I’d disappoint…

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I am thankful for



the crisp clean breeze that lightly kisses my cheek



and the gentle warmth of an Autumn sun's embrace

Read more of this post at All Work And No Play Makes Mommy Go Something…

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As we looked into morning's crisp blue sky, the bright sun gently warmed our faces. It was a picture perfect day for Lauren Hale's 1st Annual Postpartum Awareness Balloon Release.



We stood in the yard with 2 purple balloons with messages of hope for all Mom's fighting with postpartum depression.

When postpartum depression barrelled into my life, I never imagined I would be standing here, 2 years later, with a smile on my face. Today, I…

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I am taking part in something very special this Sunday. It's not a secret cause you're all invited.



Lauren Hale is the author of My Postpartum Voice, and extraordinary blog filled with help, support and most of all hope for women fighting against postpartum depression (PPD). She has reached down into the blackness that I had succumbed to so many times and pulled me out to the light more times than she may know. She is a beacon of…

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Friday was such a beautiful day to waste indoors so I seized it as an opportunity to have a fun afternoon at the park with Chunky. Just me and him. I walked down to the end of our street with Chunky in tow, soaking in the sun's warm rays. When a cool breeze had passed, I took in a heavy breath and closed my eyes briefly. It was at that moment I began to remember.

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