** My son likes to make his penis talk.  (Don't ask.)

** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.

** My kids wait to take a dump until it's time to walk out the door.

** This ass isn't gonna run itself off.

** You can never ever hug your kids too much.

** When life hands you…

If you've ever wondered where all the germs go to party, I'm pretty sure I figured out their favorite stomping ground.  Just visit any given water park, and you'll surely find a whole gaggle of germ dudes and germ dudettes gettin' their freak on.  How do I know this?  Cause my family just spent this past weekend at one, and I've got the mental scars (and the super sexy fever blister)…

** Cruise control scares the shit out of me.

** When you travel with kids, it's a trip.  When you travel without them, it's a vacation.

** 99.9% of the water at water parks is a combination of urine and ick.  Probably.

** Trying to get your kids to sleep at a water park is like trying to get a nun to pole…