If the mainstream media was in charge of bringing up my kids, they’d learn these lessons:

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1. If you’re not skinny, you’re a failure. Whenever you eat anything that isn’t a lettuce leaf, you must feel guilty. You might want to consider visiting a pro-ana site for some thinspiration. In fact, even if you’re a multiple gold-medal winning Olympian, you’re going to be judged on your weight alone, so you’d better get used to being permanently starving or permanently hating yourself. Alternatively, you can become a comedienne.

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2. It’s totally acceptable to interrupt, talk louder than someone else to make your point, and talk at the same time and volume as five other people. I’m talking to you, ladies of The View.

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3. If your Daddy has buckets of money and you think a hard day consists of having to have a mani-pedi AND a Brazilian on the same day, you can get your own syndicated show – depicting nothing but your ridiculous, two-dimensional life. You’ll be worshipped by hordes of adoring fans who will buy the book you ‘write’ that contains absolutely nothing. You will have a baby and name her, ‘Unicorn’. This will start a world-wide trend.

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4. If you are a hard-working kid, who loves science and is engaged in your education, you will be wedgied, laughed at and bog-washed. Repeatedly. This will end with a totally impromptu live song and dance performance at your school, when you are given a make-over by the cool kids. Everyone will harmonise impeccably and dance like it’s 1999.

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5. If you are a hard-working kid, who loves science and is engaged in your education and are also very pretty, ignore #4, you’ll already be the token hot nerd and everyone will love your ‘quirkiness’.

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6. If you’re a religious Christian, you must be a bigoted, closed-minded person, who lives on a farm and has no electricity. You hate all gay people. You wear khaki shorts and checkered shirts, rain or snow. You say y’all a lot. You have no education.

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7. If you’re a religious Jew, you are either a whiny, emasculated Jerry Springer/Woody Allen type or you’re a black coat wearing, big beard growing type. Regardless, you are obsessed with Chinese food. And you trade diamonds.

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8. If you’re black, you’re either about to mug someone or you’re President. There is no in-between. You cannot, under any circumstance, admit to being a conservative thinker. Gay black men don’t exist. Neither do black Republicans.

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9. If you’re Asian, you’re either an academic genius, stealing jobs from people who deserve them more, or you’re performing the mani-pedis on #3. You can’t be trusted to operate a car.

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10.If you go on a violent rampage in a school, university or movie theatre, killing and maiming numerous people and causing unspeakable hurt, not only will the world know your name (and, by extension, you’ll achieve your desired notoriety) but they’ll blame gun laws, not you, for your crime. You will be on the front cover of numerous magazines and documentaries and books will be written about you. Political parties will use your act to leverage their platforms. You might even get to meet Barbara Walters.

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11. If women are intelligent, they have to be mean and ugly. If they are pretty and intelligent, they must wear glasses – apparently glasses keep pretty girls’ brains from falling out.

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12. Women must have equal rights. Including the right to gyrate half-naked on MTV while being called ‘bitches’ and ‘hos’. Do not question this or you will be labeled anti-feminist, followed by a public tarring and feathering.

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13. After dating and kissing fifteen men and pitting them against each other, eliminating them one by one, it’s absolutely possible to find The One. Unquestionably, this is true love and will last forever. You will have 2 kids and a dog. You will always look flawless and your days will be spent receiving long-stemmed red roses and being taken out on lavish dates.

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14. If you do not meet The One on a reality show, marriage is going to be a little different. It will typically be a case of a strong, capable woman running everything with ease and rolling her eyes at her bumbling idiot husband, who is unable to watch his own children or cook a meal. When these marriages break down, it’s totally acceptable to scream at one another on syndicated talk shows.

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15. British children are freckly and wear waistcoats and ties. They are intelligent and also wear glasses. This is not to stop their brains from falling out. South African children ride to school on elephants. Asian children are born ninjas. They practice martial arts, violin and calculus on a rotating schedule. Australian children wrestle crocodiles for fun. American children are perfect.

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I’m thinking maybe I need to turn the TV off…

Please add your lessons from Hollywood in the comments section. We all need to laugh.

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