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Here is my advice for our darling, little 20-Somethings… many of whom are “boomerang kids” or low flying offspring of helicopter parents. Guess what? This works for your 2 year old, also!
1. Look both ways before crossing the street, but more importantly – look UP from your cell phone. Whoa! That is a mack truck careening toward you.
2. Don’t run with a bad crowd or with scissors. Especially don’t run with a bad crowd who bandies scissors.
3. Don’t email or text nude photos of yourself to some schmuck unless you wish to be disinherited.
4. Don’t take Benadryl unless you have a dramatic allergic reaction and a designated driver.
5. Don’t buy generic paper goods. They crumble.
6. Don’t bother learning to parallel park. It’s an exercise in futility.
7. Don’t help yourself to the dog’s prescriptions to save money. You may end up with roundworms. Roundworms look like pieces of cooked spaghetti in your poop. You have to admit that is pretty darn gross.
10. (daughters) Don’t marry a guy who refers to his mother (or me) as “that crazy bitch.” You're next.
11. (sons) Don’t bend over naked and swing your private parts in front of the cat.
12. Tattoos larger than a Post-it? See #3.
13. Nipples were not designed to bear the weight of gold hoop earrings. (Come to think of it, neither were earlobes.)
14.Wash your hair before job interviews, weddings (yours and others), funerals (mine definitely), and TV or YouTube appearances.
15. Don’t go to a shrink whose dog is on Prozac.
16. For God’s sake, use Kleenex… even if you think nobody’s watching.
17. Don’t post the “F word” all over the internet. It may come back to bite you in the “f#!&-ing” ass… forever!
18. Do as I say, not as I do or as I did or as I wish I did.
19. Never offer a mysterious stranger on the subway a massage.
20. Don’t eat in a restaurant/bar that has sawdust on the floor. Mixed in with the shavings are piles of filth, insect excrement, and black widow spiders.
21. Don’t cut your own bangs. Trust me, always a mistake.
22. Be kind, calm, and strong. Or at least learn to fake it reasonably well.
23. Don’t put your chewed gum on the edge of your dinner plate. Disturbing on many levels.
24. Don’t be confrontational to cops. They have clubs, pepper spray, tasers, 9 mm semi-automatics, and occasionally anger management issues.
25. Don’t forget to call me frequently for no particular reason, and especially on Mother’s Day, my birthday, your birthday, the dog's birthday, Sundays, and relevant anniversaries.