Over the last month or so my family and I have been going through a lot of tests. And over the last year I have written about some of them. However, as we have learned in life that when it rains, it can and usually does, pour. The thunder storm that my family has gone through is starting to weaken. Through out it all, I have had to learn more and more areas of my life that I have to let God serve me. Meaning, I, and no one else, has to let go of control. I do admit that I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to certain things. You might be able to relate. Things like how the dishes are done..., or when to do a certain task/chore, and how to do it, who should do it. These things I have found really have no true meaning in the order of life. Not that I am stopping in getting the tasks/chores done. But my attitude has changed in their importance. With learning about these areas, I have dug deeper within myself to learn that I am more of a control freak than I thought.
If you have read any of my other posts you know that my husband had been diagnosed with MS last April. After his last MRI, his neurologist starting thinking that he might have Parkinson instead. The thought of that was enough to make me take a step back and fall into dwelling thoughts. I studied all I could about Parkinson. I got defensive with the thought. I told everyone that there was no way that he could have it. With all that I had read, there was only one symptom on he had that was a maybe related to Parkinson. His neurologist sent him to see another specialist, one that deals with Parkinson only. After she had examined him and made him do more stupid human tricks, she told him he did have Parkinson and wanted to start him on medicine right away. My husband, wisely, said no. He did not see how after only looking at him and how he reacted to the commands she asked him to do, could come to that conclusion. He went to his neurologist yet again. This time he sent Joe to get a spinal tap. This procedure is not the safest or painless one out there. They have to place a 3" needle into the spinal cord and have the fluid drain down into their tubes. During which, you are fully awake. After an hour in the recovery room we got to go home. I forgot to mention that his neurologist is in Indianapolis, IN and we now live in Oxford, OH. So he then had to endure a 3hr. ride home. This is when his headache started and stayed with him for 5 days. After the 3rd. I called to get him a prescription for something stronger than Ibuprofen. However, it did not work. He tried very hard, but the pain he went through turned his attitude down. It seemed as though every little thing got on his nerves and he had no strength to do anything. And although the his attitude turned up again and the headache is gone, his strength is very slow to regain.
With in this time, I was suppose to be teaching at church. I studied my heart out. I have listened to countless sermons and have prayed over every word I wrote down. I have yet had anyone come to these classes. The classes are over Titus 2. It had been my hope that during the course of these classes, not only would I teach but that I would also be taught. I am not so arrogant to think I can't be taught new and different things and ways. I try to learn something new every single day. For I know that even at the end of my days there will still be things I could have learned. My daughter has been attending the class with me. The first 2 times, I waited for 30mins. for someone to show and then went home. After that I had my mind set that I was going to teach even if it was just to my daughter. And for the last 2 weeks that is who it has been. She has been taking full advantage of it also. She will ask many questions about why and how. She cares enough to learn what God has to say on this matter. This is a blessing that has come out of it. My stress levels have been on overdrive for months now. Her willingness to learn isn't because her mom is doing the class but be cause she wants to be closer to God and His ways. I had also tried to get a "Senior Prom" together at the church for those 40 and over to celebrate the vitality of life. After doing research and designing the flyer's, (which my oldest son placed together on the computer), and having it announced at church, I was told it was not going to happen. Stress...Stress.
I have also been going to physical therapy for my right knee. I don't remember doing anything to it. But it has hurt me for over a year now and it's not getting any better. So I went to the Dr. and he sent me to a specialist. After xrays and a MRI he said I had a tear that should heal with therapy. So a month of that and it's still not better. He then shot it up with cortisone. I was suppose to let him know within a week if it felt better. However, I spotted a knot on the back of my youngest son's knee. He too went to the Dr. who has a ultrasound done and then a MRI. (With as many MRI's this family has had we should hold stock of the manufacturer of that machine). So my knee was put on hold. My kids and their needs come first. But again it brought more stress on me. We did get the news that it is a cyst and should not be a problem and go away on its own within 2 yrs.
Oh, and remember I had said a while back that Wil, my middle son, doesn't have MS also. Then his neurologist called wanting to know if I thought he might be faking the shaking in his arms and legs so that he could relate to his dad. (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? THE MRI SHOWED LESIONS!!!) So we showed the copy of the MRI to Joe's neurologist and told him what she had said. He was not a happy Dr. and referred us to another specialist who deals with children. That will take place next month. My stress levels went up again. Because I know everything he will have to go through yet again.
Ok, so get ready to hear something that may sound a little weird to you. The other day, Joe's Dr. called with the results of the spinal tap. I had just walked in from taking my son to school and Joe looked at me and said "I don't have Parkinson. It's MS." I wanted to jump for joy. I starting laughing and crying at once. I hugged him tightly. All the while praising God and thanking him for answering in favor of my prayer. Now, I don't truly want my husband to have anything. But between the two, I 'll take MS. I posted on both Twitter and Facebook the good news. Stress levels went way down. That weight was lifted off of me so fast and freely.
As a control freak, I have no control of these type of things. Yet they occur. I have felt myself wanting that control. Trying to be as prepared in every department of these events. Only to find that if I think I can handle it I am not allowing God to serve. God desires to serve me. The only way I can let Him do that is if I serve Him. I serve him through prayer, faith, and works. All of which come from Him. So I really have no control at all. I am learning to let go of STRESS. So that God can do all that he has designed in my life. I have let go, not Him. I have to give it all to Him, not Him giving to me. I can't go through all of these things on my own and think that I have a task/chore to get done in a certain way or a certain time. For it is God's way and God's time. I see how I handle things shows others (especially my kids) how to or how not to handle things. This is a slow process. Letting go of things in your life is never easy. I am learning. And it may or may not take a life time. I am humbled that God wants to serve me. It makes my desire to serve Him even more passionate. So take a deep breath in and a slow breath out. Breathe in God and blow out the control. Allow God to serve you. Your walk with Him will only increase not only with understanding but also with peace.