I love Christmas: I love the food, the time off, the movies, the board games.  I love the sparkly lights and the cinnamon and apple in the air.  I love the scent of pine needles and roaring fires.

And this year I am dating, so I should be loving the romance, the candle-light, and the promise of what is to come.

But I am not.

In fact, I am lonelier than ever - the emptiness has been knocking at the door louder than the carol singers.  And I don’t think this is because PC is a terrible Scrooge.  True, PC is not a big fan of the Chrimbo season, but he has got into the cheer a bit - he’s even cracked a few smiles over his Hotel Chocolat advent calendar.

But it is more than that; I remember this feeling from before.  I remember this same feeling when I was first seeing Mr Bath and Mr Stable.  What is it?

Well, it is the knowledge that although I am seeing someone, I will not see much of him over Christmas.  My family will always come first, so I will spend my time with them.  But for my man who is free of responsibilities Christmas is about curry nights, drinks with friends and all night parties.

This was the same with Mr Stable.  He and his friends had a tradition of going for a curry on Christmas eve, but that was the night I already had a date with Santa.  I did not mind this - I loved the whole build up - but it did make me feel isolated from my friends and my new partner.

Thankfully after a couple of weeks of trying to persuade me to dump Santa, they realised I wouldn’t and they changed the night to the 23rd.  But I then had the same problem for Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve - which I never celebrate out at a party.  While completely single I was happy to be absorbed into my family life; with a partner I was constantly reminded of this other side of my life, and the fact that my family was still incomplete.

And now I am back here again.  Don’t misunderstand me - I love time with my family.  I will enjoy my time chilling in front of horror movies and massive dinners we have cooked together (some things move on - a few years ago it would have been Disney movies and me doing all the cooking).  But there is a part of me that feels divided between my role as a mother and my role as a girlfriend.

Sometimes it is like managing two lives; I have to manage being hot and great company while still being a fab homemaker with great dinners on the table and a cuddle at bedtime.  Sometimes it is just tiring.  Other times they clash horribly.

So what will happen this Christmas?

As yet I don’t know; but my plans have been made for the last fourteen years.

Being a single parent leaves me in a limbo which is neither happy family nor free to have fun with friends.  It is a cruel reality which leaves all outcomes for me feeling dissatisfied.  Here’s hoping I can still keep the magic alive for my kids.

The New Cinders