It really isn't something I talk about or actually have ever talked about. But I want to share my story on all the bullies I had in middle school. This comes straight from the heart and is honestly a very difficult thing to discuss. These are my words, my story, and my life.
She sat in the back of the classroom whenever she could. When the teachers would call on her she would freeze up and feel the warmth overcome her body. Her anxiety levels would rise to a dangerous peak. It was hard for her to be around people even without the drama the other children would cause her. School isn't supposed to be easy, but they made it unbearable. So unbearable that suicide was contemplated on more than one occasion. This 12 year old girl was so beautiful, talented, with a life of bliss ahead of her. Yet, that was not the life she had and was far too distant to see the light.
That little girl was me. I have felt the sharpness of a blade to my wrist. I have ingested too many pills to count. Alcohol was my crutch. Life was too hard to handle for a variety of reasons. Before you say, "Yeah, OK, life is supposed to be hard" think again. Too many people say "just get over it". Then you find that child did in fact take their own life. I was too much of a coward to even be a coward. Those girls broke me, yet I held on for a reason I didn't know at the time.
If you Google Bullying, you will find over 66,000,000 results.
I was harassed, I was bullied. To this day, I can't tell you why. I do not know that answer. Maybe I was too shy? I didn't have many friends? There was nothing wrong with me. They just chose to not like the cute little blond girl that stood before them. My mother said they were jealous. To this day, I do not think she understands how bad it was. (Sorry if you are finding this out now mom) I was miserable, that much was apparent. I did hide it well. There was only one person in the world new how far I felt from earth. She was my best friend. This person knows who she is. We went through the shift together.
To everyone I was a slut, a bitch, a whore. But for what? What did I do? I kept the same boyfriend for years. Yet I was the damaged girl. I kept my head down while I walked the hallways. My long blond hair was shielding my watering eyes. I was lonely, lost and forgotten.
I have been the little coward he ran from a group of girls. I hid from these monsters who were trying to "jump" me. Violence was not in my nature, and I saw no reason for it. What was the point?
Looking back 10 years I can tell you that I only stood up for myself once. It was probably not the best of ways to handle the situation. It was a spur of the moment thing. I was 13 years old. We were in the lunch line in middle school. One of my numerous bullies would be snickering behind me. I could hear her talking about me and saying how much my bra was stuffed. Oh please such a petty thing. Well, I did the silliest thing and I proved her wrong. I did not flash anybody but I pulled one of my 2 shirts open. You could tell there was NO way possible that I stuffed my bra. It got the point across and she stood there moth adjacent. Was it smart? No, but I felt much better. Did it stop the bullying? No, it just stopped that rumor.
My life was full of depression. I was never, okay. I was born sad. Is that even possible? As long as I can remember I would hide from the world. In my own little corner and my bedroom was my sanctuary. The bullying just made me worse. It made me who I am today. Ten years have passed and I have grown into an amazing adult. The wife of a great man, the mother of three amazing children and I am not afraid of the world. I still suffer every day from an ailment I will never know the reason for. I'll always be withdrawn. But I am who I am. I love me.
The person I am is great. I may not like to go out into crowds or be as outgoing as I wish I could be. But I take this road one step at a time. There will always be another mountain to climb. This life is mine and I will not let those who bullied me define my life. The mistakes I made along the way were my choice to make and each of them made me a better person.
When my children are old enough I will share with them my struggle. Hopefully they will listen and understand to not hide. Being open about bullying is important. If nothing is said then nothing gets done. My children will learn from me that this is unacceptable behavior. It has to be stopped, and it starts with our children. Teaching them how to behave in the world is important. They learn by example. Our children are a clean slate when born and it is our duty to teach wrong from right.