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So, I was calculating what calorie-allotment I am allowed to have on my MyPlate diet, and plugging away all of the things I am making for Thanksgiving. I am allowed to have half a sliver of pumpkin pie, a spoonful of gravy and 3 oz of turkey.

Or I can have two bottles of wine.

Yeah, like that’s going to happen. (There is really no choice there.)

There were days at my fattest, when I seriously contemplated gastric bypass surgery. It sounds too easy to have a surgery and lose 100 lbs in 6 months. I stopped considering it because I couldn’t get past the image of eating Thanksgiving Dinner out of a Dixie Cup. In fact, I think it made me actually cry a little bit for those who HAVE gotten the surgery done. The one holiday that’s whole existence is to feast, and you would be done in one bite. It’s just sad.

I will pour some gravy on the floor this Thanksgiving to honor you, comrades.

I haven’t really discussed it on my blog, but I have been dieting since October 4th.

I know the exact date because it was the last time I have had real butter.

If you know me, that’s a feat in itself. I don’t think I have ever bought margarine before, and it’s very confusing to know which one to go with. Nevertheless, I will lose 60 lbs before I move in May. But the problem is that I didn’t know what to do in the world of diet foods. I am not normally a “snacker” so I didn’t really know if it would be a good thing to eat those 5 smaller meals. I thought it may just encourage me to eat more often, which is a slippery slope. I ended up with a pretty good system. My mom recommended using MyPlate on www.livestrong.com to track my calories. It tells you how many you can eat per week, depending on your size and how many lbs a week you want to lose. I’ve lost 26 lbs since I started, which SOUNDS good, but since I need to lose about 80, it’s like dropping a stone in a pail.

My biggest struggle with food, is that I have to constantly remind myself that this is not the last time I will be able to experience it. Like my taste buds are scared that they will never see the likes of another taco, so I have to eat 12. I eat for the taste. I eat for the endorphins. Cheeseburgers are one of the top things in life that make me truly happy. If that makes me shallow, so be it. And so I have had to “up” my dosage of Xanax and cigarettes to compensate.

Don’t judge me.

Thursday, I will eat my Thanksgiving Dinner. And I will eat it with pride. But I will not over-do it and wreck my accomplishments thus far. I WILL wrestle with the Food Devil, and win. And so can all of you who are trying hard to shed some lbs this holiday season, instead of embracing the fat-girl within for one more Christmas.

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