Dear Santa,

I hope you enjoyed the very kind thank you card that you recently received from my three-year old son, who seems to think that you are the coolest person in the world.  Aren’t you a lucky guy to have such adoration?  I guess the winter coat that was marked from “Mommy & Daddy” wasn’t as exciting as the brand new bike you got credit for.  Way to go fatty.

What my child failed to bring up in his adoring recap of the holiday were the very obvious mistakes made on behalf of you and your little helpers.  In the hopes that these mistakes aren’t repeated, I thought I’d go ahead and outline them for you.  Pay close attention please, you don’t want to find another note like this in your box next year, believe me.

1. When purchasing items on-line it would be very helpful if you reviewed the dimensions of any given toy.  Sure, Jackson loves his new tent that is shaped like a castle.  However, since you failed to notice the height would reach our ceiling and the width would take up a quarter of my dining room space, this is not exactly what I would call a “winner.”
2. No more toys with multiple pieces!  Sure, the kids love them, but do you know what a pain in the ass it is to find train track in every single room of the house.  Not to mention the trains themselves that can be very dangerous when tripped upon at 2am in the morning.
3.  From here on out I would suggest you lay off the cocktails until after assembling all gifts on Christmas Eve.  That should eliminate the screw to the finger when putting together the play kitchen, as well as the hole in the toy car that was created by your hammer.
4. Could you please keep in mind that the liquor store is closed on Christmas Day!  For some reason this always escapes your mind, leaving me to wake up on Christmas morning with a stocking full of candy that should in fact be full of champagne and vodka for the mimosa’s and Bloody Mary’s I’ll be needing to get me through Christmas Day.

Oh, and I hope you enjoy your 364 day vacation while mommy’s working her ass off to ensure you look good again next year.

All the Best,

Andrea