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I left you years ago. We both know I'll never go back, I'll never speak to you again. Yet you still run my life from afar. Sometimes are better then others, sometimes I feel safe, but other days I don't want to go places, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want anyone to know who I am.
It's like a giant game of hide and seek, but you hope they never look for you. I am hiding, and I hope that you never care enough to look for me. This is no way to live. I want to know my neighbors, I want to meet new friends, but I just can't chance it. What if they know you? What if they work with you? All it would take is one drive down the wrong street, one harmless comment where they use my name, and you could end up on my door step again. My life feel like a dangerous dance of wills, fear, and common sense.
I won't leave my home. I won't move accros the country. My friends and family and life are here, and you can't chase me away. If it was worse I would, if I could, I would. I was here first, and you need to leave. I moved once, but I won't flee across the world. I sholdn't have too. If I left and started over, what if you found me there? I would have no one to help me. I can't do that. So I will stay close, I will be near my friend, though not as close as you would like. I will live on the parimeter of my old life, of my old neighborhoods, close enough to see my friends but far enough you won't check there.
I lived in fear for years, I don't want to be afraid anymore. You can no longer touch me, I can no longer hear your insults, or feel the sting of your hand, yet you still control me. I don't walk around free and confident. I can't walk around without looking behind me, I can't go out without peering around the corners. I never know that you won't be there. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid next time I won't be fast enough, won't be strong enough, won't be brave enough. I'm afraid that the next fight will be the one you win. I can't let that happen, but I don't want to be scared anymore.
Here is my solution. I will stay prepared. I will prepare to see you like I prepare for an earthquake. I will have my kit ready, I will be brave and strong, and I will stay ready to act. To live in fear every day is to let you win, is to let you have what you always wanted, it's to let you control me. I won't do that anymore. I am free of you, I am free of that, and I will NOT let you run MY life.
This is not a challange. This is not your hated disrespect, this is me being me. This is me choosing to live my life again. I can wear whatever I want, and eat whatever I want, and if I want to gain 2 pounds then I will. I can stay out late or go to bed early, and I can see who I want and go wher I please. I am growing my wings. You helped to cut them off. You cornered me and wouldn't let me leave. You ran my life with fear and intimidation. Now I run my life with love and joy, and I will conquer the fear with them. I will fly again, I will be free. I will sing and dance and be happy, and you will never know. You won't get to see that girl you helped to destroy, that you tried to stiffle. I will be happy to be myself again. Now I know how much I missed it.
If I do not try, if I do not move on, then it's as if I never left. Perhaps the physical bruises won't reappear, but the mindset, the lifestyle, it will haunt me forever. I will forever have that shadow to follow me, touching me just a little, but I won't live in that shadow anymore, I won't let it block out the sun, I won't let it take me over!
I am luckier then most. I got out. I got out early enough to walk away. I survived. So many are not that lucky. Even more spend a whole lifetime living as I did. Scared of when they are no longer home alone, scared of the end of the work day. They may never be as lucky as me. They may not have a way out. For them I weep, for them I fight, and for them I won't let you win. I will be brave for myself and for those trying to find a way out. I will stand tall, though inside I shake, I will walk bravely, even when I want to cower, and I will take back what you have taken from me. I will go out with no make up, for I've nothing left to hide. I will have people visit my home, as I'm no longer ashamed. I will tell myself I didn't deserve it, I will remind myself I am worthy of a better life, and eventually, I will find someone to love me, not as you pretended to, but gently and kindly.
Growing My Wings is a new blog on my page by a woman starting over, and overcoming the many obstacles life has thrown at her.