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For those of you who are not familiar with the term “Crunchy Chewy” Let me give you a brief explanation. Crunchy Chewy is the term that has been so righteously bestowed upon stinky, smelly, tree hugging, assholes that smell like BO and Pot and Pachouli and Curry and/or garbage or whatever that weird conglomerations of smells is that they all seem to have. For me these people fit into the same category as the Anarchists and Waste of Space Narcissists that I refer to from time to time. They do nothing for us except remind us how important it is to have a job and good personal hygiene and somewhat of a desire to function within the realm of society in general. Well, I guess, at least, that's something.
A while back I had an experience with a Crunchy, Chewy and I probably wouldn’t have been so annoyed if the woman had been conversational or polite, but she was actually quite rude in that bitchy, snooty way of someone who feels quite passionate about something....and only one thing....and considers themselves the leading authority on the subject.
The subject of our “discussion” was soap, as you have no doubt gleaned from the title of this entry. A topic which this woman knew nothing about.
It started out as any trip to the grocery store might. 7:00pm. on a Wednesday. I had just worked a full day, picked the girls up hungry and tired from daycare. Are you CRAZY you are probably asking. We had zero food, soap, toothpaste or dog food in the house and sorry, those are a MUST which is why I risked what I call “big shopping” under such circumstances. The girls were already pissed because the carts with the little blue and red cars attached to the front ( I call these display wreckers) were gone and they were too tired to walk, but too restless to stay put in the cart. So needless to say I was becoming more and more frazzled by the minute.
Finally, last thing on the list. Soap. Now, I actually DO work very hard to ensure my family eats well and lives in a healthy environment. We buy organic food wherever possible. We clean with distilled vinegar instead of bleach, we use “green” detergents for our laundry and dishes, etc...BUT, there is one area that I haven’t changed. Soap. I don’t care what you have to say on the subject. Your skin is your largest organ, blah blah blah blah blah. I Know all of this. I choose to ignore it.
So, as I’m standing in front of the colorful wall of soap bricks, looking for my favorite soap which seems to have disappeared. The crunchy, chewy, bag lady, who I don’t know but have seen (and smelled) all over town, decides to lecture me in the middle of a busy grocery store, tired, with out of control kids, about soap that I hadn’t even spotted yet and which she clearly hasn’t used in 5 years and how I’m poisoning my kids and trashing the ecosystem.
So I glared at her (with what I’m sure, by the look on her face, were the red eyes of satan because she took her smelly ass back a step) and asked her if she would be so kind as to recommend a brand. To which she replied (gesturing with her 6 pack of non-organic beer),
“Oh I would never buy anything at a store that sells toxic, environmentally wrecking products. I only shop at [The local Natural Market]. “
WELL SHUT MY MOUTH!
Even my kids stopped squabbling for 4 seconds to try to process that one!
So with that, I spotted my favorite soap which was on sale in massive quantities and picked up two, huge, packages to ensure many many pleasurable mornings where I am happily transported to Ireland and all of it’s waterfalls and greenery, and where, in my fantasy, squabbling children and hippies do not exist, plopped them in the cart with resounding thunks, looked Crunchy dead in the eye and said:
“Kids. Stay off of drugs.”