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Toilet paper, or as The Big Guy calls it, shit paper, is a big issue in our house. The boys are constantly clogging up toilets with it, my daughter somehow manages to go through an entire roll of it in one day, and I habitually forget to restock my bathroom with it. I am constantly racing for the plunger (I cannot leave in the kids bathroom because it comes a weapon) to unclog the kids toilet. I am constantly lecturing my daughter on the correct number of squares she needs to use (for now we have settled on five, not fifty-five). And I am constantly calling out for a roll, hoping by chance, one of the kids will actually pay attention to my distress calls.
They usually do not.
A couple of weeks back it was around 10:00 PM and I sat down on the toilet in the master bathroom to pee. In mid stream I remembered that I had earlier run out of the shit paper. I looked around and saw that my back up supply of rolls was gone. I called to The Big Guy and asked him to get me a roll. Being his sarcastic, smart ass self, he quickly said no because I needed to learn a lesson, which was, replace the damn roll right when I use it up. Luckily I found a pack of almost dried up baby wipes and used those as a replacement.
I am horrible about replacing the toilet paper. One of the (few) flaws I have. I will use up a roll, get sidetracked and forget to replace it. Or I remember I need to replace the used up roll but think oh I will just remember next time I go in the bathroom, which of course I don't. Notice the pattern? This drives The Big Guy crazy. There have been a few nights where I have awoken to the sound of his somewhat angry voice telling me he needs a roll of the shit paper. It is never fun having to get out of bed, in the middle of the night, to fetch a roll of toilet paper for your guy while they are sleepy, grumpy, and stuck on a toilet. But, I do because well, it's my fault.
Last night, I hit an all time low. Hopefully, this low will forever change my pattern of bad toilet paper etiquette.
Once again it was around 10-10:30 PM and I had to pee. The Big Guy and I have an open door policy in place when it comes to the bathroom. I don't care if he's in there when I am peeing and he is the same. Taking a shit is a 100% off-limits, closed-door, fully enforced rule. Peeing, whatever. Having just The Big Guy in there is a lot less crowded than the usual two or more kids I usually have in with me. So I am peeing, The Big Guy is brushing his teeth. I reached for the toilet paper and remembered that I had used it up hours earlier when I had given my daughter a shower.
"Handsome, can you go grab me a roll? Please? I don't even have those dried up razor blade to your ass wipes in here anymore." I begged him to get me a roll.
"Didn't you learn your lesson a couple of weeks ago when I didn't get you the roll?" he said, followed by a few other sarcastic remarks.
"Obviously not because I am stuck on the toilet." I said.
At this point a few minutes passed as we went back and forth, The Big Guy with his sarcasm, me half laughing, half just wanting the damn roll of toilet paper.
"Baby, please can you just get me toilet paper?" I finally said.
"Nope." he replied.
Sigh. I wasn't getting the damn toilet paper/shit paper. I hate drip drying. It grosses me out. I cannot do it. And The Big Guy knows that. I looked around at things I could possibly use so I could get off this fucking toilet. There was nothing...
And then I saw it. The sock with the hole in it that I had thrown away earlier in the day while I was folding laundry. I grabbed it from its resting place at the very top of the garbage can and examined it. I looked over at The Big Guy, saw the look on his face and knew if I did what I was about to do, I would never, ever live the moment down. And then I said fuck it and wiped. With the sock.
Rightfully so, The Big Guy ragged on me the rest of the night. I laid in bed and took the harassment because let's be honest, I deserved it.
My alarm goes off at 5:30AM every weekday morning. This morning, the alarm went off, I got out of bed and went to pee. I reached for the toilet paper and realized that last night, in the midst of wiping with a sock and getting harassed by The Big Guy, I had forgotten to go get a damn roll of fucking toilet paper!
I may never learn...
To read more of my crazy life, you can visit my blog at http://suburbiainterrupted.com