We have reached July.  That time of the summer when I believe that the kids are sick of being around me 24/7 and I am not ashamed to admit that the feelings couldn't be more mutual.  Not that I don't love these little buggers, but damn, this is getting just a smidge ridiculous.  It made me start thinking about a couple of different things.  One, the things that I am about to lose my shit over, and two, how in the hell can I stop a complete and total mental breakdown, on my part of course.  Here is my list of grievances, and what I hope to be some very helpful solutions, short of running away to Mexico and being served drinks all day by a hot cabana boy.

Problem 1:  The Fighting.  Send them to play in the sea of toys and listen to the screaming and the hitting and the throwing of toys.  Then begins the crying, the screaming, and the tattling, the latter of which I have no tolerance for.  Unless you have suffered a severe physical trauma and are in need either an ambulance or a hearse, I don't want to hear about it.  I hear plenty of the terrible things they say and do to each other, I don't need a replay.

Solution:  Send them outside, give them the hose, let them throw mud at each other.  Sit in window to watch with a book and a glass of wine.

Problem 2: The Whining. "I'm boooored", "there's nothing to do", "can we GO somewhere?"  Sound familiar?  Every damn day something really "sucks" around here.  I won't play the right game, or PITA needs a nap so we can't go to the pool, or *GASP* they have to clean their rooms <note to self, have them clean their rooms>.  Their whining is comparable to that of  fingernails on a chalkboard, or that really annoying screech that their forks make when they scrape them on their plates.

Solution:  Send them outside, give them the hose, let them throw mud at each other.  Sit in window to watch with a book and another glass of wine.

Problem 3: Laziness.  "It's HAWWWWWT",  "Can't we just watch a movie?", "Can I play on the <insert electronic device here>",  "I don't want to play a game", "do I HAVE to?"  "It's HAWWWWWT." No shit kids, its summer.  These kids have a severe case of the lazies.  It doesn't matter what solution I try to give them, they complain. If it doesn't involve leaving the house and doing something that they want to do, they aren't interested.  Are they willing to pay for any of it?  Heck no.  Do they give me gas money?  No way.  Do they just fight all the way there and all the way home?  You betcha.

Solution:  Send them outside, lock the door, give them the hose and let them throw mud at each other.  Sit in window to watch with a book and finish first bottle of wine.

Problem 4: The Filth.  Somehow, these kids have lost the ability to put away their crap.  Not that they were experts before summer started, but I swear, if it is in this house they will find it and drop it anywhere they damn well please.  Make them pick up after themselves and you can combine all the above problems into one super-de-duper fight between children and mother.  They fight over who does what, they whine about having to do it, they do it so badly that they have to come back and do it again, and mom locks herself in her bedroom in order to avoid a major meltdown.

Solution: Send them outside, lock the door, give them the hose and let them throw mud at each other.  Go back to bedroom, lock the door, pop the cork on another bottle of wine and don't come out until the house "appears" to be clean.

Now, in all seriousness, I work really hard at engaging my children.  We cook, we clean, we go to the pool, we do arts and crafts, we watch movies, they make up games and plays.  I even let them play Play-Doh *GASP* (outside of course).  I do dread this time of summer.  The temperature outside is pretty similar to that of the broiler when set on high.  It is hot, real damn hot, and I can only spend so many hours chasing a two year old around the pool.  I believe that any honest mother can admit that sometimes we just need a break. A break from the fighting, whining, laziness, and filth. Some time to ourselves to regroup, rethink, and recharge.  Even if it is just 5 minutes locked in our room with a bottle of wine and a computer.