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I had the worst feeling of impending doom

as i walked into the room

thought I had lost it

left it no trace

yet I find it in this place.

Thought i had dealt with this 

in therapy sessions

but I'm still a victim 

there's no doubt, no question

Filled with anxiety I start to sweat

need to purge what I haven't digested yet

self loathing, disgust 

stares me in the face

every time i walk into this place

the shower, the toilet, tub or sink

in which will i release the stink 

of partially digested

depression

suppression

binging and purging is my favorite weapon

for battling the demons that live in my head

I bend over the sink and

upchuck them instead

of dealing with the demons

head on with no fear

they mock me 

tempt me

they stalk me

they leer

they leer at my suffering

they laugh at my pain

as i return to the kitchen 

again 

and 

again

eating my torture

drinking my defeat

this playlist has been on constant repeat

15 years and counting

my personal bully

I'm a veteran of this disorder

no longer a rookie

I'm tired of though

yet afraid to stop

I'm suppose to be strong

my nickname is the Rock

more like dust

as i enter this room

the bathroom fills me with impending doom.

 

 

This poem © MoodyMommi Published Dec 23, 2012

Views: 7

Tags: Eating, body, bulimia, counseling, defeat, demons, disorders, fight, image, therapy

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