After five long years of consecutive service, I am pleased to announce that this is the year my vagina will finally retire.

She’s built herself quite a little nest egg in her employment, and has secured her affluence in the vicinity of the fallopian tube adjacent to the right ovary.

She’s been frugal.

It is with this trust fund that she may live in retirement until her twilight years where she may grow old and grey, and be in tranquillity nestled amongst the tree trunks I call thighs.

She has an inspirational story, bound to touch the lives of many.

She’s an underdog, a true Aussie battler.

She’s been to hell and back then back again, and again…and in July she will return to the front line of service once more – although in this instance, it will be for the final time.

The idea of interviewing this icon came about one morning when I realised I hadn’t seen her in a while. Being overshadowed by the stomach that is housing the very baby she will be bringing to life showcases her inclination to step out of the limelight. Her affinity for service to others is outstanding and somewhat commendable.

She has been an asset to this baby making organisation, and has the capacity to not only work well in a team environment but under minimal supervision also.

I would recommend her to anyone.

Although functioning extremely well in high stress situations, she has been prone to cracking under pressure in every birthing instance.

Her value lies in the fact that although she cracks, she heals, dusts herself off and gets right back on that horse in preparation for the next race.

She has constantly made visitors welcome, especially those who’s visit wasn’t that of a frivolous nature.

Medical professionals can be somewhat forceful at the best of times.

Granted she may be a seasoned professional, but on a cold day, with sterile instruments, you’ve got to give a girl some warning!

It hasn’t always been pretty, but I couldn’t have done it without her.

Therefore without further a due – I introduce you to the marvel that is my vagina.

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 “So, you want me to tell you the story of my life?

Before I begin with my story, I’d just like to make mention of my owner/employer – for treating me so well whilst in her employ.

Although she has worked me hard over the past five years, she has provided great medical benefits as well as moral support.

She is always there for me, morning, noon and night. Nothing has ever been too much of an inconvenience for her, even in late pregnancy stages where I’ve had her up 16 times a night to wee.

She’s always dressed me well, and when I approached the union about the g-string debacle, she directly complied without fuss, and began housing me in boy legged underwear instead.

It was an occupational health and safety issue that couldn’t be ignored.

Her husband’s Rio’s were especially comfortable later on in pregnancy, when I had put on a little extra baby weight. My comfort was always paramount in her eyes.

This made me feel valuable.

She never made mention of my weight gain, even when I was having a “fat day” and didn’t seem to fit into anything.

She didn’t judge me. Nor make me feel any less of an asset to the company.

When it came time to stand in the front line of labour three times in a row, she was constantly by my side, ever ready to bear the strain.

Although I cracked under pressure, and needed to retreat to worker’s compensation due to workplace injuries – she always supported my claims.

Upon returning to work, she placed me on light duties until I felt strong enough to return to manual labour.

She paid me well, and always made me feel pretty even after three birthing incidents left me feeling less than attractive.

In my time with the company, I’ve had my fair share of controversy.

She’s always sided with me in domestic disputes as she knows just as well as I do that my neighbour’s an arsehole.

All for one and one for all has always been her motto.

And so, after this year I retire.

Battered and bruised, I shall hold my clitoris high for service well rendered.

At the end of the day, I’d just like to thank all those that have supported me through my journey of self discovery over the past five years.

It has taught me that life is precious.

It has taught me that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It has taught me that with a few Kegal exercises, I too can learn to hold the urine in when a sneeze is imminent.

So I say to you fourth baby due in July – those before you have tried and failed.

You may bend me, but you’ll never break me.” 

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I think we can all learn a little something from this inspirational story.

Although you will have no necessity for a Gold watch dear vagina, please accept my undying gratitude as a token of my appreciation.