(if you haven't head the news, Diary of a Wheat Free Mom will be no longer as of December 31st due to my ex stalking me and reading my blog. My new *identity* online is this one, and here is my most recent post)
While I'm certainly not new to blogging, this blog is new. And because I'm not writing under my own name, I'd like to really tell you about who I am...(this is more than I've ever shared before, so if you know me for real be warned that some parts may be shocking)
My name is Mrs. Monster (for the purposes of this blog). When I was 20 I started dating this guy...he wasn't all that special, but I had been in a lot of really rotten relationships with guys who treated me badly and I didn't think very much of myself and jumped into the arms of the first guy to pay attention to me. A mere 2 weeks after we started dating, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. After all...I figured nothing better would ever come along, so why not marry this guy?
We tried getting pregnant right away...all he wanted was for me to be pregnant. It didn't work out the way he planned, and I ended up going through 3 years of fertility treatments. I lost my first child nearly half-way through the pregnancy - I blame it on the constant abuse. I wasn't raised to put up with any form of abuse, but at that point in my life I thoughtnothing of myself and so I stayed.
Three months after I lost my first baby, I was pregnant again. This time my baby survived, despite the abuse (both physical and sexual) that I endured throughout the pregnancy, and my sweet Little Monster was born. My husband had no interest in him...he became angry the moment we found out we were having a boy (19 weeks gestation) and told me straight-up that he didn't want a boy. Period. During my emergency c-section, my husband chose not to be there for me. My mom was with me in the operating room while my husband read a book upstairs. He said "I guess he's cute." when we were brought back to our hospital room and that was about it.
Fast forward 10 months, and my husband shook my son because he touched a TV speaker. And when I stepped in, he screamed at me and said I needed to be harder on the baby. That I'm too soft. That I needed to yell more, and spank more. A 10 month old. Spank him. Not joking...
I could handle abuse towards me, but I couldn't handle it towards my child. The monster mom in me had been awakened, and I stood up to him. I made him leave. I have sole custody of the Little Monster now. We have my maiden name now. We have a restraining order now. We are safe now.
Little Monster is now 2 years old and we're dealing with a whole new scary chapter in our lives. He's recently been diagnosed (not sure if that's even the correct term for this) as being severely developmentally delayed. He barely squeaks by at a 12-month level. He self-abuses. He screams. He is fearful of change. He hardly talks. I try my best to focus on the things he can do rather than the things he cannot. Life is stressful and full of crying...from both of us. We're waiting to see the autism assessment team to get a firm diagnoses, but so far our family doctor and our early intervention worker suspect autism (ASD/PDD).
I'm 26 (and 11 months) now. Some days are good, but most are bad. When the sun sets, I am thankful for the quiet of bedtime. I cry because doing this alone is hard. I cry because I want someone to be here for me...because this wasn't my plan. I dreamed of being married to the most wonderful man and having a partner for life...but I haven't met him yet. So I do this alone and reach out to the blogosphere to seek support (I'm so thankful for everyone who reads and comments, and offers advice).
...probably the most depressing Meet & Greet entry so far. Sorry about that. I just needed to get it out there.