It starts with a glance in the mirror or a family picture that has been plastered all over Facebook. Yeah, that one of you stuffing half of a red velvet cupcake into your mouth.  Even your long lost relatives who are sheep herders on another continent are sharing and commenting on that picture: "Awww...look how much she's GROWN over the years..." This is fine if they're talking about a five year old, NOT a middle aged mother.
     My wake-up call hit like a clap of thunder thighs the day I uploaded some pictures taken from our local renaissance festival.  Who was that chubster in the blue gown next to Mr. Robin Hood-Wanna-Be? Oh yeah, that's me...wait, WHAT? Okay, I'll admit I've been a little heavy-handed with the desserts lately. And the frappuccinos. Those pesky, two-for-one sales at Wine-Mart haven't been doing me any favors, either. But what am I supposed to do when there's an industrial size jar of Nutella in my pantry, just calling my name? You could spread that stuff on styrofoam and it would still taste good.
     Upon closer inspection of my physical flaws in that traitor I call a mirror, I knew I had to get myself back into the svelte clothes growing cobwebs in the back of my closet. I joined an all-female gym, but quickly realized that my workout clothes from the Richard Simmons era were sadly outdated. I needed a new gym wardrobe, but me visiting a sporting goods store for clothes to sweat in is a perfect example of an oxymoron.

     I made the mistake of inviting The Hubs along to help me choose my new gear. He was a little TOO  enthusiastic at the prospect of his wife getting back into shape. I roamed the aisles until I found the women's workout clothes section and stopped dead in my tracks. Who were these manufacturers kidding? The "large" tops were the size of small sausage casings. I'd be lucky if I could stretch the shirt to fit one arm. Further down the aisle I came across a row of "grande" tank tops. In white. I envisioned a fat polar bear wearing a pink headband and hopping around the gym floor during Zumba class. I shuddered.


     And then the unthinkable happened....every chubster's worst nightmare. My brilliant Hubs was  across the store in the men's department. He held up an armload of colorful tee shirts and shouted, "Hey Hon, you need a larger size? I found a 2X in the men's department that might fit you!"  I should have slapped a muzzle on the man during public outings years ago.
     I quickly grabbed a few pairs of yoga pants and some tee shirts with motivational sayings on them such as, "Just Do It" and, "I like to lick cake batter off beaters" (No wait---that was for something else!).
     Not willing to suffer alone, I convinced one of my daughters to join the gym with me because misery loves company (and paybacks are hell). We spent our first few, torturous days with a personal trainer to learn how to use the weight equipment. But mostly we learned how not to grunt too loudly like truffle sniffing oinkers or sweating too much like two sumo wrestlers in a sauna.
     The day of our first Zumba class, I surveyed the group and was pleased to see a nice mix of ages and body types. Women's shapes are often compared to certain fruits---apples, pears, oranges...and the occasional grapefruit. I was in the midst of a fruit salad ready to learn some sexy Zumba moves. Music with a heavy, Latin beat reverberated against the walls and we began hopping around the wood floor like Mexican Jumping beans. I tried to concentrate on the dance steps but my mind kept wandering....a typical defense mechanism against the extreme pain I was in from my workout with the trainer. My thighs were so sore that I'd been forced to walk around with a full bladder all day just to avoid squatting over a toilet seat. Rather than listening to the Zumba instructor, my mind was swept along with the cluttered debris of A.D.D. ----random thoughts scurrying through my brain like rapid channel surfing through 450 television programs:

     "Drop it drop it low girl....drop it like it's hot....oh yeah, I got this booty shakin' thing down....wait. Why isn't my butt moving like everyone else's? And what's that popping sound in my lower back? At least I'm rockin' these new, neon green Nikes....actually, they kinda look like twin sand barges in the ocean. Uh-oh.....should have worn some Spanx. My junk is jiggling in all the wrong places. I swear I can still see those damn cupcakes sitting on my hips, mocking me. Crap, it's hot in here. Hot flash hell. Hard to breath. Heart, don't play me like that. I'm not dropping dead in Zumba class! It would scar my daughter for life. Hey, where did she learn to shake her ass like that, anyway? Probably snuck out of her bedroom window to hit the dance clubs all those nights I thought she was snug in bed. Umm...am I in Pole dancing 101 right now? And who's bright idea was it to place mirrors around this brightly lit room? I'm so pale I look like I've been cohabiting with family of moles.
OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! Is that what I think it is----camel toe? I need new pants!! Hey, what's the food channel doing on the gym TV? They should be showing infomercials for weight loss supplements or....ohh, Paula Dean is making smothered pork chops with gravy....do I have any pork chops in the freezer? Wait---what fresh hell is this---more squats? Yoo-hoo teacher, I'm dying over here. I'm not gonna Busta Rhymes---- I'm gonna busta femur. Oh great...now I'm sweating so much my makeup is running down my face
. I look like I belong at a KISS concert. Whoa! Paula Dean is baking a chocolate marble cake! Are you kidding me? She needs to get over here and do this freakin' Zumba class!  Huh? Cool down time already? You mean we're done? I made it! I didn't die on the Zumba floor!"


     Its been a few months now and Meno Mama is getting closer to brushing the cobwebs off her skinny clothes. I'm droppin' it like it's hot in Zumba class without feeling a heart attack coming on. The only thing I need now is new tee shirts from the sausage casing aisle....or maybe just some cupcake batter.....

Views: 15

Tags: diet, gym, weight, zumba

Comment

You need to be a member of Bloggy Moms to add comments!

Join Bloggy Moms

Comment by marcia Kester Doyle on June 2, 2013 at 4:35pm

Thanks, Lisa! I know what you mean--I tried doing it on the Wii and it just isn't the same!

Comment by Lisa DiMeo on June 2, 2013 at 1:54pm
This cracked me up. I love zumba but after 3 years of it, i quit class and now do zumba on wiii. Not as fun.


 







 

 

Redbox

It's Not Wine, It's Mommy Juice

Organized Island

Grace for Moms

WAHM - Passion for Health, Fitness & Success!

Tiffani Goff at Home

Running In Pearls

Chaton's World: A Quest for Balance in Stilettos

Broward Saves- Freebies, Coupons, Deals & More!

Mama's High Strung

Latest Girls - Makeup & Beauty Tips

Katherines Corner - Recipes

Our Stories God's Glory

Branding, Blogging, & Building Your Business Online

Ronda Writes - Humorous Opinions!

Mommy Hiker

Books R Us- A Great Place for Reviews

Pattern Making

Terri's Little Haven (Product Reviews)

Kleinworth & Co

Life O'Kay- Where life is always O'KAY!

Tales From the Motherland

Figuring Out How the Pieces Fit

Moms of Purpose

Robot Mommy

POSH on a Budget

Spa Travel Gal

A Little Claire-ification

The Harried Mom

Little Things, Big Difference

Communicating.Across.Boundaries

Rabbit And The Fox

Beauty with Mary

Whole Soul Jewelry

The Jenny Evolution. Keep Evolving

The Honey Pie Dialogues

Not My Year Off

It's a Journey: Marketing for Your Home Business!

Boogies N Boo-Boos

Master the Art of Saving- Earn, Save, Spend

The Bizy Mommy | Managing Home & Biz

Be Inspired. Stay Motivated.

Hip-Baby Mama

Tamar Barbash - Mother, Blogger, Social Worker

Scrink, Bring Me Up

Random Babblings

Our Life & Love Story

i SabrinaEspinal

Grandparenting Tips, Articles and Giveaways

Rude Mom Blog

Mama Untangled

Marriage with a Baby Carriage

Blog Based Moms

Mommyjuiced - Wine Makes Me a Better Mom

Wester New Yorker

Mom Behind a Blog

Once Upon a Giggle

Cherry Blossom Love

Missional Women

Girliemom

Saving with Charlotte

Journey of the Bees "Believe in the Impossible"

Amazing Grace and a Safe Haven

Scattered Venus

Mom to Bed by 8

The Two Bite Club

A Real Mother

Suburban Stereotype

Sticky Floors, Happy Kids

Gone Green Mama

Moms with a Blog

Hapa Mom - A journey to a simple, happy life

Another Cent Saved Saves you $$

The Pet Blog Lady

Organized Island

BirthTouch Coaching

Saving with Sara

Blushing Bee By Me

Domestic Executive Online

Mother & Fitness

The Nerdy Nurse

DANCIN' MOMa!!

Artistic Bent

Mom's Lifesavers

My Life on a Platter

Mrscpkc – Personal Memoir and Lifestyle Blog

Mommy Loves Martinis

Blog At Home Mom

Aspiring Super Woman

Inspired Passions

~Girlfriends Are Like Shoes ~

MamaMouse-Disney World Site for Moms

WDW Dreamin'

The Sticky Mom

Preschool Activities and Parenting by MomTrusted

TOT Runway

Yum! recipes 4 NJ #Sandy relief

FREE Homeschooling Tips and Resources

Gladiator in Heels

LeaderMom

CT Mommy Blog

Toronto Mama

One Income Life

InnArtvation Studio

Minimees x 4

When Tara Met Blog

You surround me with songs of deliverance

Yay Baby!

Melissa's Southern Style Kitchen

2 Girls and a Crazy Dog

The Small Things

The Simplified Family

Simply Anchored - Life Lived Simply

Here is What I Think...

Parenting with Parents

Expat Aussie Mama in Croatia

The Sisterhood of Spiritual Single Moms

Glori Online- Blessed with Pink & Blue

Jacquelynne Steves: The Art of Home

Too MOD Mama

Buckiddo

I eat pop tarts

Redefining Mom- A Working Mom's Blog

Jaime Loves Stuff

The Wellness Journey

Laura Kelly Designs

Spa Travel Gal Ava

Two Lines to Rule Them All

Mommy Needs A Break

Snappy Momma

JenniLeeG

Dancing on the Edge of Sanity

Lil' Face's Mom Has a Blog

Ancestreats - Share Recipes & Foodoirs

Sweet Leigh Mama

A Mom's Point of View

Everyone Needs Mom

Faith and Family Reviews

Sandy Toes Creations

Fashionista Momma

The Wellness Journey

Living in Mommywood

Familial Ramblings

Sincerely, Mindy

Pandora's Craft Box

Gazing In - Life, Family & Food

Bella Vida by Letty

Organized Island

Our Brown-Eyed Girl

A Mix of 6

3 Stages Of Girl

Helicopter Mom and Just Plane Dad

Flour On My Face

A Mommy and Her Two Sweet Boys with Autism

Confessions of a Wrap Mom

Picking Up the Pennies

Lovely Little You

Celebrate Woman Today

The Homesteading Hippy

Fine Art Mom

The Bluebird Patch

Central Coast Couponista

This Mommy Cooks Dinner

Susan K Mann

Baby Doodah!

Comatised

Mama(s) Around the House

A Fletchers Diary

Single Mom Debt Solutions Blog

SAHM I am. Cocktail I want

Weaning My Family From Processed Foods

Chicken Scratch

Little Purple Room

Busy Mom Monologues

Six Pack Mommy

Julie Valerie's Book Blog

The Momista Diaries

Homeschool Inspiration

Virtuosa Diaries Uugh...

Bella Home Goods

Rebecca Rose Blog

Learn Create Launch

In The Know with Jo

Nature Inspired Ideas For Your Home

A beautiful mess

Digi Mama's

Allyson's Wonderland

Wiregrass Parenting

Carries Kiddie Closet

Katherines Corner

Gluten Free Jersey Girl

Honey's Life

Barbara's Blog

My Couponing Life

ButeauFull Chaos

BonBon Rose Girls

Stories from a mother of boys

Auntiemuse

Mainorville Pop. 3

Mama Knows Nest

San Diego Mom of 2

Single Mom Debt Solutions Blog

Do It All Moms Blog

SexyMoxieMama - Fitness, Fun, Family

Intentional parenting for the next gen

Sassy Dove | Makeup Reviews & How-Tos

Smellyann's Blahg

A Perfect Extra Chromosome

A Mom In Vegas

Read.Bake.Run.Repeat.

Walk Memory Lane

Mama's High Strung

It's Organised: gift-giving inspiration

Find out how to win A Game Of Diapers

Momma Roars

You're Gonna Get Poned, Dad

3 Bros Flying Circus

Grace & Josie

Fitness Mom Wine Country

Heartbeats Soul Stains

Home my Heaven

Sensitive and Extraordinary Kids

Manicures & Extra Sprinkles... Please!

A Journey in Mindful Mothering

Beautyologie

Fabulous Perks

DIY Swank

The Jess Elaine

Starting Over as Ms - A Journey

Mommy's Bundle

The Mom Life

The Rollercoasters in Life

Black Mothering

Game of Diapers

Home Biz Mom

Slightly Hippie Housewife of Suburbia

Wedding Rings to Teething Rings

Comeback Momma

My StylePad - Declutter, Style, Design!

Corner of Park and France

My Sweet Homeschool

The Land of Sweet

Three Busy Bees

Barb Best | I Feel Your Pain

The Parenting Experience

Together We Roam

Immigrant Mommy

Titanimom

The GIT Mom Blog

Seeing the Lighter Side of Parenting

Leapfrog and Lipgloss

Inspiring Women

Times Squared

Kathryn Dahlstrom

Like a Bump on a Blog

Homeketeers

Tell It Once And For Autism

Ravishing in Plaid

- Get your blog listed here -

© 2014   Created by Tiffany Noth.

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Privacy Policy  |  Terms of Service

Back to Top Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...