I spent most of my life being physically fit.  At 5'4" tall, I remained an ideal 115-120 pounds from the time I was in 9th grade until the time I was 36 years old.  I was the woman who bounced back into my "old" clothes within weeks of giving birth to my boys, thanks to a combination of breastfeeding and a quick return to my exercise regimen.  In fact, I walked 4 miles everyday during pregnancy and continued to workout on the weight machines at the gym until I was just too big and pregnant to do so comfortably.  I never had problems staying in shape.

       While I was always PHYSICALLY fit, I spent most of my life plagued by mental health issues.  Over the years, I was treated by several different doctors with different medications, some that worked but had awful side effects, and some that didn't work at all.  While I had struggled with depression, anxiety, and mood swings on and off for years, the worst bout of depression lasted almost two years, culminating in September of 2010, a month before my 36th birthday, with a near mental breakdown.  Through the determination and support of a my psychiatrist, counselor, and family, we finally found a combination of medications and counseling that have allowed me to lead a NORMAL life now for almost two years. 

     So what's the problem, you may ask?  Well, there was a trade-off for my mental "normalcy."  One of the mood stabilizers I have to take has one major side effect:  SIGNIFICANT WEIGHT GAIN!  I have gained almost 25 pounds in less than two years, and at the rate I'm going, there's more on the way.  The medication causes a significant increase in appetite, while causing a decrease in energy level.  A lethal combination!    I'm hungry constantly, and it takes everything in me to muster enough energy to get out the house and take a short walk. 

     So, here I am.  Stuck.  Caught in a battle between being physically fit or being mentally fit.  It's not fair.  I shouldn't have to choose.  I REFUSE to go back to my previous life.  But what good is being mentally "stable" if I'm going to get depressed and cry everytime I change clothes?  I have a good life now...I don't want to give that up, but I DON'T want to gain anymore weight.  I'm far from being obese, but I'm overweight and out-of-shape!  And I don't like how that makes me feel!

      I got up early this morning and took a walk.  I prayed and I cried and I prayed some more.  The answer is NOT getting off the meds, but finding a way to FIGHT through this!  So, today is DAY ONE - the first day of ending this battle, of choosing to be BOTH physically and mentally healthy, of taking baby steps to reach that goal!  And I think blogging about my battle is just the accountability I need to keep me focused.  My blog has continued to evolve over the past 8 months, but the underlying purpose remains the same.  There are other women out there just like me.  With the same struggles and triumphs, successes and failures.  I am not alone!