There are not many places in my life that I can vent. There are not many places that I can express my views as I see them. 

I married at 17, not because I had to, but because I was young, naive and looking for a way to get out of my wicked house. Don't get me wrong. I loved my husband. But what does one really know about love at 17. 

Somedays I think, somewhere in my life I am entitled to a break. I lived a horrible childhood. In poverty, sexual abuse, an abusive Step Dad... then when I got married I thought this was it.... then it began. The control. Then baby after baby I was drawn into this miserable pit even more. Then with my sons diagnoses, still deeper. I want happy. I want to know what that feels like. I feel that I am entitled to that much. I know that others have it worse and it pains me to even complain a little. I suppose that is why this is my outlet now. 

I let all my hopes and dreams rest in the hands of a then 20 year old husband. 

I had starting going to a church with "standards". Ways to live closer to God. Gods only way. At that time in my life I was searching, desperately searching, for an answer to all the issues that I had at home. I was longing for happiness. And for awhile I was on cloud nine... and then it starts. 

My husband, who I have been married to now for 9 years, slowly started to control every aspect of my life. It started with reasons why I shouldn't wear my hair down. Then it was forbidden to wear it down, complete with full blown outrage when it was attempted.  Then it went to the length of my skirts and my shirts. Today it's so bad that it's why I have to wear pantyhose so that I don't look like a whore!! Where my place is in the home. 

Now with 3 small children, I am stuck. I have nothing to fall back on, he has made it virtually impossible for me to finish school. I am a stay at home mom with no access to our bank account. I am "expected" to cook, clean and have babies. I need to be deprogrammed. I have a vehicle that is only good enough to get me around town. I am isolated from my family. They are now 500 miles away. 

I missed so much. I can't say that I am in love with him anymore. I love him for giving me 3 beautiful children. But most days I don't like him. I go through life in a haze of emotion. If I leave him, where do I go? He will take my kids. So many say that it's so easy to leave... that's easy to say until you are in my situation. Until you have nothing and you know that your kids will be told how awful you are for leaving. I cry when I am alone and then act as if nothing is wrong when he's home. He doesn't hit me, but he has this amazing way of controlling my every move. He checks my phone, my computer. It's like he is always watching. While he is at work there is a small window to be me! But what is me? 

I forget

I have to be strong for my children. I have to stick this out for my kids. Then when I finally finish with school and my children are a little older maybe they will understand why I had to do it. I hope. 

For now I am living on hope and prayers that I can live like this for a few more years. 

I came close one time to leaving, but then with the advise of an attorney I had to go back. Now I am waiting. Waiting for that perfect moment to leave and start all over... again.