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I remember for my 8th or 9th birthday I got a brand new bike, now any other child would have flipped out when they saw this bike. (Now please keep in mind that this was in the late 80's.) It was this awesome pink bike with white stripes. A white banana seat with pink designs all over it. I remember being excited, but I certainly wasn't jumping up and down like a crazy maniac. At the time, I didn't think about my lack of emotions nor did any of the adults around me.
As I got older I had always said that I showed my emotions like my mother does. My mother is very reserved with her emotions. No matter what she always had the same facial expression. Very somber. Occasionally, very occasionally you would be see smiles or tears. I had never placed an sort of blame on her. I just thought that was her personality. And to a point it is, but that is not who she is meant to be.
About 3 or 4 years ago shortly before Christmas Jerry walked into the kitchen where I was preparing dinner, he handed me a box. I remember exactly where I was standing in the kitchen, I can close my eyes and see both of us standing there face to face him holding out his hand with a little box sitting in his palm. He told me that it was my Christmas present, he has never really been good about waiting until Christmas to give me my gifts. I opened the box with almost a fear, I knew it was jewelry. You give any woman a little box in that shape and I don't care what she says her first thought is jewelry. I lifted the lid to the box and it was this beautiful emerald cut diamond ring. My husband knew that my dream was to have an emerald cut diamond ring. I know that I did not give him the reaction he expected or deserved. Please don't misunderstand me, I was filled with joy. I just have a horrible time showing my emotions. I wish that I could go back to that evening. I wish that I could have cried for him.
Last year Jerry and I had started planning a trip to Mexico in March. I was excited, but again I did not show how excited I was. Inside, I was jumping up and down about the thought of finally getting to go on the vacation of my dreams with my loving husband, but I tried to keep myself from thinking about it. We really needed this vacation, we needed some time and some distance from our everyday life. Every now and then Jerry would ask, "Are you excited?" I would always reply "Yes" or "Of course" but I am sure that I didn't show it as he expected me to. I have a difficult time letting myself get overly excited or at times even excited at all. I just don't want to be let down I guess. I just cannot let myself go. Although I know that my husband would do everything in his power to stop me from hurting I didn't want to have to put him in that position. So, I just didn't get my hopes up. Once we arrived in St. Louis the evening before departing I allowed myself to become excited at that point there was a very small chance that something could go wrong. As we landed at the airport in Cancun, I was smiling ear to ear.
I will learn how to express my emotions to myself and to my loved ones. I will do it!