My New Year Eve was more bittersweet than anything. That day will be a day I will never forget because that is when I found out I had a miscarriage. Let me go ahead and put out there that this post will be raw and uncensored. I was so hurt because I never had a miscarriage and I know it is nothing I could have done to prevent it, but still it hurt becaue in the back on my mind, I wish there was something I could have done to not let this happen to me.

I really didn't think this would happen to me because I carried out two full pregencies fine without any problem; so I guess I thought I was immune to having a miscarriage. Don't get me wrong me nor my husband was not prepared to have another child so close in age so we where surprised to find out that I was pregnant again but to lose a child is a feeling that I never, ever want to experience again.

As I look at the ultrasound screen and saw this empty hole where my baby was, it is an imagine  I will never forget. Sometime I wonder if this happen becaue I wasn't as excited like I was with my other kids and this baby felt it would not be loved because God knows it would have. Or maybe I pushed myself to hard trying to maintain a household with a nine month old and not resting when my body told me to. Maybe I spoke this onto myself because I kept saying something is not right with this pregnancy and it was different from the other pregnancies. Right now I don't understand why this happen to me only God knows and my trust and faith in him will never waiver but it does hurt. I have so many question but no answers.

Telling my family and friends that I had a miscarriage was the hardest part. Because no one has never had one except a cousin of mine. So the only thing my immediate family could say was "I am sorry" or "maybe it was Gods will." Right then and there I didn't want to hear that it was God will I wanted to know why God felt that this should happen. In between crying and staying up late I knew I had to get myself together for my kids, my husband and most of all for myself. Don't get me wrong I am still hurt, I am crying now as I write this but I know that in time it will get better.

But I said all of that because last night I was up thinking about my miscarriage and I got up to read some of my email and I came across this email that really blessed so much. MY New Year's Offering {Encouragement for Today}. The reason it blessed me because every year for New Year's I always do a New Year's Resolution and I never keep it but this year after reading this email and having miscarriage I decide to not focus so much on the normal of losing weight or eating sweets once a week etc. etc. etc. I thought that doing a New Year's Offering would be a change from my normal resolution routine and to do things that will build my walk with Christ but also help me have a sound mind and spirit. I know that for anything to change I have to be determine and consistent in my decision. That I have to let God change me fully despite how it may hurt I have to understand that it will work out for my good in the end.  I decide to do this because I am his handmade and I want to be made into the woman he called me to be and not the woman I want to be.

Despite having a miscarriage happening to me I know I am blessed because I have two beautiful children and a great and supportive husband. I could not ask for more, I have to say I am truly grateful.  Even though my year ending was bittersweet I know my New Year would get brighter.

Until Then Friends

Tootle-Lou

Cookie

Views: 11

Tags: Miscarriage, babies, christianity, faith, family

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Comment by Marcia Fowler on January 2, 2014 at 1:21pm

Thinking of you.

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