from Life After Lactation

Last week I came fully to the realization that there is nothing to me other than David, Eben, and all the housework that comes with them. I've lost myself in motherhood, feeling as though there is nothing left of me. Or, even more frighteningly, that there wasn't much there to begin with.

Is my worth really so dependent upon how much money I make or how interesting my leisure activities are? Do I matter, and why? I used to say that I mattered because Christ died for me, because I have value to God as part of His family. I now see that perhaps I don't really believe that. Do I have less value than someone who makes more money or spends more time away from home? Am I somehow failing because I spend nearly all my time cleaning and caring for children? Does it matter that I don't normally get "me time?" Should it matter?

The Bible seems to suggest that we are closest to the character of Christ when we are serving others. It also says that even Jesus wanted to be alone sometimes, though I'm not sure he had any hobbies. I've definitely been doing a lot of serving, but I haven't always done it gladly. If someone is around to complain to (normally my poor husband), I will complain about how hard I work, how much I still have to do, and how tired I am. I'm sure I've sounded like quite the harpy, but I think maybe what I've really been saying is "Please, tell me I've done well and that I'm worth something, because these menial tasks are all I am now, and I'm not sure they're enough. I'm not sure I'm enough."

This blog is my answer, my family's answer, to some of my questions. My husband bought me a gently-used laptop computer, installed all the updates and has been patient in the affliction of helping me acheive computer literacy, and set up a computer desk just for me in our living room. Writing has always helped me to keep my marbles from spilling our all over the place, and I've been inspired by faith-affirming blogs like Pink Dryer Lint to start a blog of my own.

I think I may be coming back to life.