“Mommy? You aren’t going to die, are you?” This from my 7 year old son as we had some bedtime snuggles. We had just watched the movie “Radio” and the main character’s mother died of a heart attack.

How do you answer that? Of course we all know that I’ll die someday – but how to explain to my baby whose real question seemed to be, “Mommy? You aren’t going to leave me, are you?”

I remember when – as a child – the realization struck me that my parents would die some day. The details are still sharp today. I remember the couch I was sitting on in our living room, the lamp on the table, and my mother trying to comfort me and explain that although she and my dad would die someday – that it wasn’t going to happen soon. That was a significant moment in my childhood.

Like most significant moments in childhood – this one with my youngest arrived without warning. I mentally cast about for a response that wasn’t dishonest but was also not frightening.

I told him that yes – I was going to die someday. I told him that it would be a very long time before that happened. My dad, who has been cancer free for over a year, just turned 69 last week. I used his age as a marker for my little guy. I told him that when I am 69 he’ll be 35. That he’ll probably be married and maybe even have kids by then. And then that I planned to live lots longer than that.

He seemed to be somewhat distracted by the math – which was a good thing – and began trying to figure out how old he would be when I am 101. As we went back and forth adding on our fingers and toes and elbows I was feeling a somewhat premature sense of triumph over the moment.

The conversation trailed off and just when I thought he was asleep, he said, “I don’t want you to leave me, Momma.” I knew he didn’t mean leave his bedside right then – he meant in life. I had to swallow past the lump in my throat to answer him. And in my heart of hearts I said a prayer that I was right. “Mommy’s never going to leave you, Baby. I’ll always be here for you.”

As I walked down the stairs I still felt that moment with him strongly. I asked myself if I truly was doing everything I could to stay here with him. Princess Diana really hacked me off when she didn’t have the wherewithal to put on her damn seatbelt before leaving that night in Paris. C’mon! There are so many things we can’t control – doesn’t it make sense to take care of ourselves in the areas we do have control? Am I any better than Princess Diana? I don’t exercise regularly nor do I eat really well. Well – actually I eat too well, truth be told.

I am going to start working on being a healthier me – for myself and for my kiddos. After all – I would hate to have done the math on me at age 101 for nothing.