Earlier this year, a very good friend of mine - who is the mommy of one of the cutest boys ever (my 2 being obvious exceptions) - and I were talking about married life after the first baby joins the family.

My friend - let's call her Ellen - was talking about how much she and her hubby argue now that the baby is here. She was having trouble reconciling the Prince Charming that she married with the sleep-is-more-important-than-you man that she was living with. They argued about everything. Laundry, diapers, grocery shopping, meal preparation, if the baby was or was not a little feverish, and even the dog.

When Ellen brought this up - my eye started twitching. Hmmmm. A little trip down memory lane - when I decided that I had made a terrible, terrible mistake in marrying my hubby and maybe could I get a do-over? After all, in my head, this whole bringing the baby home thing looked a whole lot more like a scene from the Pottery Barn Kids catalog than from "All in the Family". Interestingly, I later learned that Hubs was feeling the same angst.

There's not a whole lot in the preparation process for a new baby that prepares us for the reality of it. What it does to us as an individual - who can go to the bathroom and even take a shower without consulting with someone else first - what it demands of us in time, resources, and adaptation, and finally what it does to us as married people.

When I was talking to Ellen - she totally got it that they were both tired, cranky, and adjusting to a big change in their lives. While it's true that there are parts of being a new parent that you can't prepare for - that you won't really "get" until you are in the reality of it - there are definitely parts that you can think about and more importantly - discuss - with your spouse ahead of time.

Let me make sure that I caveat this with - my hubs and I didn't discuss any of this prior to our first. We absolutely discussed the baby furniture, the bedding, breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding - but we didn't really discuss the rest. And let me tell you - what that sets you up for is both of you having an agenda and neither of you knowing what the other's agenda is. Yikes! That is a sticky one in any situation - you add sleep deprivation and a healthy dose of "I have no idea what I am doing Why did I think we could handle this We should have gotten a dog first" and what you've got is a breeding ground for conflict and discontent.

So here it is - my list of things that I think you should absolutely discuss prior to actually having that baby.

1. What is the feeding plan? Are we going to take turns? If I'm breastfeeding - are you going to get up and change the diaper and get the baby back to sleep after I've done that?

2. What is the sleeping plan? Are you going to assume that because you got up with me in the night and changed the baby's diaper and put the baby back to sleep that you are going to sleep in each day? Are you? Punk? (sorry -side trip back to 1997)

3. What is the plan for showering? For doing dishes? Laundry?

4. Who are we thinking of having over after the baby comes? When? For how long? Have you and your mother already decided she's coming to stay for 3 weeks with her 2 cats and loud snoring? (My MIL is great - no cats or snoring - I'm just making a colorful illustration here.:)) I've already told my mother I want her to come and stay.

5. You think having your golf friends come to see us in the hospital is a good idea? Your boss? Our priest?

6. Who is allowed in the room when I'm in labor? I'm thinking me and you and the doctor and nurses. Camera or no camera?

7. What kind of jewelry you will be giving me for pushing this big headed baby out through my nether region? (not are you giving me jewelry, you'll notice)

I'm sure there are many, many more. The biggest lesson I learned was that Hubs and I had no idea what we were going to disagree on because we didn't even know we had an opinion on most of this stuff until it happened.

Huggies or cloth? Avent or Playtex? Nursing bras in white or floral? Sex? Ever again? It was amazing how many things we had no idea were going to be a bone of contention until they came up. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate? It's a fabulous idea to spend some of that baby planning time on logistics along with decor.

What lessons have you learned? What do you wish you would have discussed and decided with your spouse before bringing home that first baby?