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STAR Magazine just had an issue with their "report card" for Best and Worst Moms. I immediately wondered who was on their list, as they are a widely respected literary publication on Parenting. I mean, who wouldn't believe everything they say? I mean, it's not like it's The Enquirer..... I will admit right now, I am basing this post on the cover alone, so please forgive me if by some chance, upon reading the actual article inside, it goes on to praise all celebrity moms. I doubt this is the case though.
It looks like Angelina gets a C- as a Mom. Hmph. How can that be? She is a Good Will Ambassador. She brings her children all around the world ... exposes them to new cultures, new lands, new people. Hell, she adopts kids from all over the damn place. How could she get a C-?
It looks like her kids are always eating junk food.
They have evidence people. Shiloh is holding a bag of Cheetos RIGHT IN THE PICTURE.
I mean, I'm sure none of us have ever given our kids Cheetos before, right? I'm sure we've never been in a rush and given our kid any damn thing they wanted to eat, just so we could go grab tampons and milk at the store without a fight. I'm sure even Angie needs to get herself tampons and milk every once in a while.
Sorry Angie. You may get an A+ in home wrecking, but you are a mid to low mediocre when it comes to Mothering. It's a fact. It says so right on the cover of STAR.
Who else is on there?
Christina Aguilera. Ahhh, Christina. It looks like poor Christina gets a D+. And based on the evidence, it looks like she beats her son. I mean, there's an arrow pointing to her son's black eye, with the caption, "Ouch!"
I mean, you can't hit your kids, right? And that must be the only explanation, right?
It couldn't be that he tripped over one of the 8 trillion toys he left out on the floor, right?
I'm sure he wasn't jumping on his bed, even though his mother told him 19 times NOT to jump on his bed because he might fall and hurt himself.
I'm sure he didn't run face first into a tree. What kid would do that?!?!?! Not my kid. What? I said, NOT my kid. Well, maybe my kid. I'm sure his little friend didn't accidentally hit him with a toy truck/stick/rock/elbow/sippy cup/bucket or wiffle ball bat.
I'm sure he didn't accidentally hit himselfwith a toy truck/stick/rock/elbow/sippy cup/bucket or wiffle ball bat. Yes, it's possible. Believe me.
Poor Christina. She gets an A+ in questionable outfits, but a an almost-fail in Mothering. It's science. STAR says so. It might as well be the American Journal of Pediatrics.
And we can't forget J Lo. Little Jenny from the Block. A+ Wedding Planner (10th time's a charm!), but she gets a C- from the Parenting Experts at STAR. Apparently her little ones cry for their Nanny.
Whenever my kids are hurt, they cry for Daddy.
Daddy's silly faces make everything better.
Whenever I put them in time out they cry for Daddy.
Daddy gives them ONE more chance.
Whenever they don't like my answer, they want Daddy.
Daddy always has the right answer. Or some compromised version of it.
When I say they can't have Cheez Its for breakfast, they want Daddy.
Daddy will give them a handful of Cheez Its before breakfast.
I must be a shitty Mother. Kids cry. They're kids. They do stupid shit sometimes. Sometimes they carry an old school, metal Tonka truck while eating a bag of Cheetos, and knock themselves in the eye with it. Sometimes they cry for the Nanny when it happens. Sometimes it gives them a black eye. And sometimes it's June Cleaver's dumb-ass kid that it happens to. So let's give these Celeb Moms a break, OK.
|Now THIS is why the Beaver was so well behaved.|
On a side note: The rest of the cover teases stories about poor Jessica Simpson not being able to lose a pound, and Miley Cyrus' Baby and Wedding. It's a whole issue on Motherhood. Move over Dr. Spock. There's a new Parenting Resource in town. And it's name is STAR Magazine. Who knew? Come on, my kid ran into a tree. Can I please get a vote?