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Here's me this morning. Happy, kind, sweet, helpful..awesome...Glinda the good witch-ish. Got the kids ready, took them to daycare, logged into work and actually worked. Got alot accomplished, made breakfast, withdrew my application for another team which seemed to make my boss a little nicer...all is going well.
Then comes this afternoon - in a matter of a minute I become...her, Wicked Witch of the West. I mean completely and truly evil. WTF happened. Seriously. I read some shit online...it kinda starts to upset me. Then boss decides that I need to start working on ANOTHER project and this time I need to provide status updates every other day. Which normally wouldn't affect me, but ever since the last breakdown and leave of absence because of my mental status I've felt very nervous about taking on too much work. But how do I tell this "new" boss that I can't handle that much work when he knows exactly what I'm capable of and he's the type of
boss that really doesn't have that much compassion for his employees.
So yeah, that frustrated me and set me off.
***Warning: I am about to vent and all sensors are off. If you are offended by bad language or grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors then stop reading now because I'm gonna just spew. Also, it will be very scattered and may not make complete sense but it will at least provide some content.***
Husband (he doesn't get the Mr. Wonderful title in this blog because I'm still upset with him lol) sees that I am starting to have 'mad face' and asks "what's wrong?" "nothing honey." 10 minutes later Husband enters the room and asks the same question "what's wrong?" "Why are you FUCKING asking me this again? I told you NOTHING!" Of course, he angrily walks away.
Husband comes up to me a little while later with the classic question
"WHY IS IT FUCKING ALWAYS UP TO ME TO SAY WHAT IS FOR DINNER? I WORK TOO, MAYBE ONCE IN A WHILE YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT'S FOR DINNER!!" "Fine, I'll make tacos" he says and walks into the kitchen.
3. Kids return from school. I am laying on the couch with my 'angry eyes' on. I ask them how
their day went and how their lunch was. Lil' stinker says she ate all of her lunch
(questionnable)...I ask "what kind of sandwich did you have (knowing she had pb&j)?"
"bologna" she says, lying to my face. I look at her and she smiles. She knows she's caught
in the lie, but does she say anything? No. So I get mad. "Go to your room and bring me your
DS, you don't get to play tonight." She yells "Nobody in this family likes me. I'm so stupid
I never get to play..." All of her dramatics that she's learned from her brother (with all of his
tantrums over the years she's learned the words to say that really sting me)....coniving little
snot. Grrr. Then #1 decides he needs attention too and proceeds to tell me about how he has
a headache after playing for the first time (see story of concussion for details). I tell him that
he cannot watch any more TV tonight because he needs to rest his head since it has been hurt
again (per the Doctor's instruction) and he blatantly stands in front of the TV watching it. "Go
pick up your legos and put them away" (still standing at the TV).... "HELLO - did you hear
what I said, go pick up your legos and put them away" (STILL at the TV)... "DO YOU WANT
ME TO GET REALLY MAD AND THROW ALL OF THE LEGOS AWAY?" (finally starts
moving). Ugh. And of course, during this whole time Husband is just doing his own thing and
not helping me with these two at all knowing damn well that I have angry eyes and I could most
certainly overreact to just about anything. Pissed, I stomp off and get in the shower.
4. I get in the shower - you can hear the shower in the living room so it's not like I'm just sitting
around. I have to shave my legs (it was getting out of control) so I sit on the toilet and proceed
to shave my legs (I'm a fat girl so it's the easist way I can do it...don't judge) and Husband
barges into the bathroom "What the fuck?" I look at him with even more angry eyes. He says
"What are you doing, dinner's ready!" "Uh, taking a shower and shaving my legs like I fucking
said I was doing 10 minutes ago." He does his typical rolling-eyes-heavy-sigh-mad-face and
walks out of the room.
5. I am really insecure. I constantly feel like people are judging me, that they hate me or that they
are disgusted by me (this came way before the fatness so its not because of that). So when I
started this blog one of my main goals was to have a place where I could write and vent and
possibly get some feedback or inspiration from others as they read it...to help me along on my
journey of recovery. Well I decided to openly share my blog with the public by linking it to
Facebook but I didn't really prepare myself for what would come from that. I've received some
good comments, met some awesome people (especially Miss Banana Pants) but I've lately
started to receive some not so nice messages from people. Yes I may have a crude sense of
humor, yes I have a mental disorder, yes I have a gambling problem, yes I am a parent of kids
who are not 'perfect' but I am still a human with real feelings and words still hurt me even
though these people are strangers and really noone to me. I also kinda feel like I'm not good
enough to write and don't really fit in with the other 'mommy bloggers'. So I'm now having
these self-pity feelings.
6. These fucking KMart commercials with the stupid ass people with the slow-motion frozen
faces are driving me nuts. The theme song, the faces and the stupid content of the commercial
seriously make me NOT want to go to KMart...like ever again! Fuck. Stop showing them.
7. I'm out of chocolate. I'm in a place today where I NEED chocolate to help me get through the
day but no, I'm out. And I'm too fucking lazy to go get chocolate. And I'm not asking Husband
to get it for me because I've already pissed him off.
8. My back hurts. Yes, most likely its due to my weight, but damn, today it hurts. And it's
irritating because it hurts. Stop fucking hurting stupid ass back.
9. My bra broke. Being a girl who has had a bigger-than-normal rack all my life and gaining
the extra weight has added like boobs to my body that are bigger than a kids head. Seriously
some of my friends actually put my bra on their head (one cup per head) and it fit because
they're so fucking big. Anyhoo - I go through bras. Frequently. Most of the time the
underwire breaks, but this time the stupid clasps on the back broke. There are 5 of them and all
5 have broke. Today. Now I have to jerry rig them until I can buy a new one and they cost me
like $30-$40 each. Fuck.
10. Parenthood pisses me off.....I'm talking about the TV show. It's pissing me off. Why do you
have this stupid ass bitch complaining about the recording studio when she lives in the stoner
capital of the world. And then baby John Ritter has to break up with what's-her-name and that
makes me sad because I like seeing him - I liked John Ritter. Then to top it all off they have to
have the cancer story. The fucking story that makes me cry every time. Would seriously make
anyone cry....especially those of us who have been touched by cancer. Time for some happy
shit on this fucking show. But I guess it's based on life and they're going through somewhat
typical life situations.
So all pissy and stuff, I find this video that a friend posted on facebook and it made me laugh. Laugh so hard that the pissiness has started to fade away. The witch has dropped the broom and is sitting calmly. This is some funny ass shit - you have to watch (its on my facebook page).
I think that's enough ranting for now. Please know that this is a not-so-normal side of me that has come out tonight and that I'm not as evil or judgemental as I seem in this post. I just had to get it out. I apologize for any offensiveness.
Thanks for reading peeps