** An Eskimo is something I could never ever be.

** You know it's cold when the geese are saying "Let's get the HELL outta here!!!!" as they fly overhead.

** I need a restraining order for the insomnia that continues to stalk me.

** Trying to get a third grader to work on a research project is about as easy as trying to get a mime to karaoke.

** It's fun to get all fancied up in a dress and heels, but it's even more fun to come home and put your sweats on afterwards.

** My good friends know that when I say I'll be there in ten minutes, it really means twenty.

** If ever my son's hands WEREN'T attached to his penis, I'd swear he'd finally pulled it off.

** Two steps forward typically result in five steps back.

** The grumpy old troll who lives under Dora's bridge could very well be chillin' in the back seat of my messy-ass car, and I'd never even know it.

** I literally cannot wait for the new season of "Breaking Bad" to begin again.

** My kids can wreck a room faster than a drunken post-concert 80's hair band.

** Gray hair and wrinkles are my new everyday accessories.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

SO WHAT DID YOU LEARN THIS WEEK???? >>