** A dog bite on your boob is not a good way to kick off the day.

** Boot camp and sinus pressure go together about as well as a yoga class and Mel Gibson.

** The entire household turns into assholes when my husband goes out of town.

** I could win an award in procrastination for all that I HAVEN'T accomplished lately.

** A Nerf gun battle that ends without tears is nothing short of a damn miracle.

** My daughter chugs hot chocolate like a frat dude chugs beer.

** I miss the good old days when the shorties used to listen to me.

** Goatdog may very well be responsible for destroying the rain forest with all the paper that he eats.

** Listening to a seven year old sing along to T-Pain is both disturbing and a little bit of awesome.

** M&M's are my guaranteed go-to bribe.

** I'd rather suck down a shit sandwich than be in charge of homework time.

** This year's annual dust bunny convention is apparently taking place under my family room sofa.

** My son likes to make his penis talk.  (Don't ask.)

** It's all fun and games till someone chews up your eyeball.

** Kids can have three toes poking through the ends of their shoes and STILL not tell you they need new kicks.

** Cheap wine makes for one helluva souvenir headache the next day.

** I should stop buying Kleenex for my family since my sleeve or my shoulder seems to be the tissue of choice.

** Despite what I might think, God does not give me more than I can handle.

SO TELL ME SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THIS WEEK!!!! >>