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Today I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I screwed up again. It’s that moment when you feel heavy, sad and disappointed in yourself and wonder how you could have made the same mistake again.
For every lesson I have learned in this life, the one I can’t seem to master is, how to keep my mouth shut.
I have no problem respecting my family’s wishes in regards to the internet. If I am unsure of their reaction to something I write, I read them the post before I publish it to get their approval. That’s not the issue I am concerned with.
My problem is when someone tells me something I always have to dive right in and analyze the issue. I like to talk about every angle, discuss every issue with everyone involved and sometimes one person doesn’t want me to discuss the issue with everyone involved. I am not gossiping or at least in my mind I am not gossiping because I am trying to help solve a problem, yet my help isn’t always requested. I have made this same mistake over and over again in an attempt to help and solve problems which are not mine to solve.
I hate feeling helpless when someone I love is struggling with something but what I hate worse is feeling like I disappointed the person I am trying to help because I told confidences that weren’t meant to be shared.
I know I am babbling right now, but I am frustrated with myself. Most everyone in my family knows I have their best interests at heart but that doesn’t always make it any better.
Moments like this I realize why God gave me Tiara. She needs my constant support, care-taking and never ending problem solving. Not everyone needs these same things from me and at some point my attempts to help may look more like me trying to control everything in my family circle. Yes, I am a control freak and I know it but sometimes I am just trying to help.
Through the years I have learned to hold my tongue about some things, but Gosh darn it, I haven’t learned this lesson well enough! I am so mad at myself because I was doing so well and yet again I messed up.
So I know you have no idea who or what I am talking about, but thank you for letting me spill my sadness onto you and listening. I am feeling a little better. Sometimes it sucks to be so real. Having to look in the mirror and know you messed up isn’t fun, but at the end of the day at least I am trying to fix my mistakes. I guess that’s all we can do.