As we get older and all the crap of life starts shifting south, (not just our boobs) No, really I am gonna be kinda serious now. For my readers this is a very abnormal post from me.

Normally everyone comes here for a chuckle, not today. It's OK if you want to click the X! I don't mind because actually, I am blogging to hear my heart sing! 

Something I don't do often enough is level with anyone. What I do instead, is become very withdrawn and either completely stop functioning or I try to cover my depression up and make everyone think that I am "OK" when in fact, I am deeply depressed.  You may wonder how my family can not see this and I am here to tell you,  I am a wonderful actress. I truly deserve and Oscar. Having kids that are old enough to take care of themselves and understand that mommy has a headache, makes it easy. Not to mention a husband that works shift work and friends that think I am always busy with another friend. A  nifty survival technique I have.

I have always been a very happy go lucky kind of person. This all changed a few years ago when my parents passed away.  Years of PTSD buried deep from when I was younger, came to a full boil and finally bubbled over. The fact that having depression and being OCD combined together  has caused me so many problems that if addressed earlier, I would of healed so much faster. After the loss of my parents I started pushing myself to be the best. I tried to compensate to my boys for not having grandparents anymore. I was going to prove that we were a normal happy family. I tried to shelter my boys from the loss of their grandparents by not talking about them. Act "normal" don't "allow" anyone to see you hurt. Or just how much you are hurting. I felt that I had to be perfect for my husband also. My thoughts were always along the lines that, he works hard for our family. The least I could do is make sure his clothes were clean, food cooked and a wife that had it together. After all, who wants to come home to a blubbering women everyday. I sure don't!

After about a year of being supermom, wife and friend. PTO president. Being the perfect person, trying to keep everything together with my parents estate being settled. It happened. My body finally gave out. I was trying to help my husband build a gazebo by our pool. Then I started to remodel our bathroom.  Somehow I messed up my neck, leading to a year of pain medicine, neck surgery and 6 months of hell in one of those neck collars.

When you are unable to drive or do anything for yourself, it can be a very reflective time. Unfortunately, I did not do it correctly. What I mean, is I got mad, sad and had to deal with the pain. The pain in my heart. {Not the neck (hehe)<--still silly. Ok so I have issues.} Anywho,

the pain in my heart became easily dumbed with pain killers. I also found it easy (which floors me now) to be able to get pain killers. It is amazing how many people that are OCD and untreated whom revert to painkillers to "just" make it through. Because they feel that they are not perfect, not normal, not the best!

As I said earlier, it was very easy for me to hide this from those near to me. I could literally function fine when everyone was around me. As soon as I was alone, it became unbearable. I learned that what I was going through, is called anxiety and is very treatable.  I had no clue. I just didn't want to know or feel. I wanted to be numb. So I would take pain killers and sleep. I slept on and off like this for almost the whole school year. Looking back, I can see how easy I did it.

Supermom came crumbling down!

 My youngest son came home from school and the worst thing happened. I missed a program at his school! Of course he is standing by my bed, in the complete darkness, at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Explaining to me that he understood that I didn't feel good. The whole time all I could think, I forgot it! What kind of a mom, little lone a stay at home mom does that?

After I cried every ounce of my soul. I got myself up and got all the pain killers out of my system. However, I still suffer with depression. I knew what it was all along. I just couldn't face the doctor and actually tell him, that at times, when I couldn't breathe, I thought I was loosing my mind.

 Blogging has given me so much insight into who I am, who I want to be and also who I want the world to see. This is the first step. I am a mother, wife and lover of people! I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in perfection. I would of laughed at this diagnoses, but now that I suffer with depression because of it and know that it really is a diagnoses. A very serious one that goes untreated.  Many of them are just like me. Stay at home mothers that feel as though they have to be perfect in every ones eyes.

Since the diagnoses and the understanding of what is going on and that it is perfectly OK to be me.

I have come to the conclusion, with the help of all the blogs and bloggers out there that I am me and that is good enough. I don't want to me "normal" as I feel that word is just another word without meaning. I want and I am going to be me!