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I guess you can't really talk back with your Jaw wired shut, can you?!
Thing 1 has asked me to write about all the things she found funny while we were at the hospital for her Jaw Surgery. Since, she is still so swollen she can hardly sip through a straw I figured I could do her this one little favor. I'm glad she is in good spirits and trying to find the humor. I personally would have called the whole surgery off as soon as they told me I couldn't chew for 8 weeks. Then, I would have cried like a little bitch when my face swelled so bad I looked more like Jay Leno than myself. She has been a trooper so far. I engraved into her head for weeks how tough she is and that whatever she did she COULD NOT cry. Not only because it would have annoyed the shit out of me but, because it would make her nose stuffy. For some reason her being able to breath properly was top on my priority list.
When we arrived at the hospital we were both being pretty silly. We were trying to keep the mood light because we had already talked enough about the procedure. On the way in I said " Let's cross our fingers they don't make me pay today!" Her eyes kind of lit up like she was thinking that meant we were going to have to cancel. We arrived at the check in desk and the woman behind the counter was straight up out of control. She told me at about 1000 miles per hour that I needed to see the cashier immediately, and then almost fell over when she bounced back in her seat. Per Thing 1 it was like she washed down her crack with 19 cups of coffee. Thank you crack lady behind the counter for making us giggle!
When we got upstairs to check in again the goof ball behind the desk asked what my relationship was to Thing 1 which almost always makes her laugh. To her I am an ancient old lady because I am her mother. One of these times I'm going to say she is the mother and I am the daughter just to confuse the shit out of someone. I mean DUH dummy! Who besides her mother would be bringing her to a 4 hour surgery?! We look exactly alike and I have the wrinkles to prove she's mine. Get glasses!
They needed me to go in with her when they started the IV because she is a minor. It was set up kind of like an ER where you only have a curtain between you and the next patient. Boy, we were glad for that! The nurse told Thing 1 to take off ALL her clothes and put on the gown. Thing 1 hesitated and then asked in 5 different ways why she needed to do that hoping each time she would get a new answer. She just could not understand why she had to take off her bra and underwear when she was having surgery on her mouth. The old lady on the other side of the curtain didn't like it much either. She sounded like she was nearing 100 years old but she was sure putting up a fight because she said it was too embarrassing! So, between her and the man next to us that was snoring like he was drunk we giggled quite a bit. Thank you old people behind the curtains! You Rock!
Then we waited for what seemed like forever for my people to show up. I say my people because the Oral Surgeon is my boss and the assistant is my co-worker and friend. My boss is so super great and an amazing surgeon, but he is very stuck in his ways. Every year the company buys us new scrubs and the office has the option to choose a new color for the year. We have been wearing royal blue for almost a decade and the girls in the office drive him crazy every year trying to change his mind. For Thing 1's surgery I decided to wear a bright orange shirt because for some reason it made me think of happy. I told her when the Doc arrived she should tell him that she would be a much happier patient if when she came in our office we were wearing scrubs in a brighter color like my shirt. I didn't think she was actually going to say it, but she did! When it started coming out of her mouth I almost jumped on top of her to shut her up because he was clearly in a very serious surgery mood. He even asked if she already had her versed. I said " No, no we're just being silly. Let's get this party started." Holy crap! I almost got in trouble and I wasn't even at work!
I gave her a kiss. Told her I love her, and reminded her one more time how tough I made her just for good measure.
Everything went perfect and they took her to recovery. They said I had to wait a couple hours to see her and this did not make her happy at all. She waited until then to pull a little trick out of her sleeve so her chances were better to persuade them to let me come back. She started doing sign language like a professional until they felt like they had no choice. It was only 15 minutes into recovery when they asked me to come back because they didn't know what she was saying. Dang, I make em tough and smart!!
Once they admitted her for the night there wasn't too much she found very humorous. She was sick from the morphine and trying to throw up with your mouth wired shut is not very fun. I would have gladly taken that morphine in her place but no one thought that was a good idea. The next time she tried to giggle would be when the nurse argued with me that there was no way the doctor would be in at 5:45 am and there was no way he was going to discharge her. She said Doctors just don't do that! I think more spit than giggle came out of Thing 1 when the Doc arrived at 5:45 on the dot and released her right away.
So all in all shes trying to stay positive. She did try to laugh really hard last night which was extremely funny! She has had me running back and forth up and down for the last 3 days and I got all frustrated and cracked my heel on the coffee table. Naturally, I screamed out " Holy Shit I broke my ankle!" Her laugh seemed to sound more like a Walrus then a human which in turn made it feel better right away. Shes walking around with a white board instead of talking and torturing herself by watching the Food Network Channel since she can't eat. I might have to parental lock the channel if she keeps this up. I am very proud of her though because she has not cried yet. I guess I really made her a little tougher than I thought!
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